Top 10 (or so) ways to try to boost your world university rankings.

– Create your own on-campus TV reality series called, ‘Professor Judy’. “The students are real. The exams are real. The marks are final. This is Professor Judy!”

– Try sucking up to ‘Times Higher Education’ by screen printing their logo on top of all your mortar boards for free.

– Don’t reveal the results of the quality of your student academic scoring levels under ANY circumstances.

– Offer ‘Free Beer for a Year’ to all incoming first year students.

– Take off all the videos on Youtube that are showing your professors smashing a student’s cellphone during class.

– Create a total re-branding strategy by hiring rock star Gene Simmons as college president who will then change the name of your college to something cool like ‘KISS-U’.

– Encourage faculty to submit research articles that they wrote after 1982.

– Mention the ‘3 click rule’ to your Webmaster.

– Lock your smartest professor in a basement lab at the college until he/she creates something that will win a Nobel Prize.

– Offer a free online course to the world’s billionaires. Immediately upon passing that course, showcase them in all of your marketing materials as being one of your ‘Alumni Billionaires’!

– Focus your curriculum on Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math (STEM) instead of Striptease, Tabouleh-making, Elvis sighting strategies, and Miley Cyrus ‘twerking’ skills.

– Increase your Google ranking and website hits by adding the word ‘sex’ to your college site url.

 

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