Top 10 (or so) ways to try to boost your world university rankings.

– Create your own on-campus TV reality series called, ‘Professor Judy’. “The students are real. The exams are real. The marks are final. This is Professor Judy!”

– Try sucking up to ‘Times Higher Education’ by screen printing their logo on top of all your mortar boards for free.

– Don’t reveal the results of the quality of your student academic scoring levels under ANY circumstances.

– Offer ‘Free Beer for a Year’ to all incoming first year students.

– Take off all the videos on Youtube that are showing your professors smashing a student’s cellphone during class.

– Create a total re-branding strategy by hiring rock star Gene Simmons as college president who will then change the name of your college to something cool like ‘KISS-U’.

– Encourage faculty to submit research articles that they wrote after 1982.

– Mention the ‘3 click rule’ to your Webmaster.

– Lock your smartest professor in a basement lab at the college until he/she creates something that will win a Nobel Prize.

– Offer a free online course to the world’s billionaires. Immediately upon passing that course, showcase them in all of your marketing materials as being one of your ‘Alumni Billionaires’!

– Focus your curriculum on Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math (STEM) instead of Striptease, Tabouleh-making, Elvis sighting strategies, and Miley Cyrus ‘twerking’ skills.

– Increase your Google ranking and website hits by adding the word ‘sex’ to your college site url.

 

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Times Higher Education World University Rankings 2011-2012

Here are the top 10 according to Times Higher Education:

  1. California Institute of Technology
  2. Harvard University
  3. Stanford University
  4. University of Oxford
  5. Princeton University
  6. University of Cambridge
  7. M.I.T.
  8. Imperial College, London
  9. University of Chicago
  10. Berkeley University of California

 

CalTech Trivia: Einstein was a visiting professor at Caltech for three winter terms: 1931, 1932, and 1933.

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