Top 10 reasons why Santa is taking a job as a Professor in the New Year.

prof santa– He wants to change his name from ‘Father Christmas’ to ‘Professor Christmas’.

– With his weight gain problems, scruffy beard, round spectacles, and poor fashion sense, he will fit right in with many of his fellow professors.

– Every day will seem like its Christmas because he’ll have tenure.

– He can hire his elves as his Teaching Assistants and continue to get them to do all his work for him.

–  He can continue replying to emails only once a year.

– He won’t have a problem putting on a gown and mortarboard, because he’s already accustomed to wearing something that looks absolutely ridiculous.

– He can hand out lumps of coal to the students who fail his courses.

– He’ll now have an excuse to get away from his nagging wife, ‘Mrs. Claus’, who is constantly yelling at him, “Get off your fat ass and clean up that reindeer poop!”

– He can easily teach courses in Geography, Brand Marketing, and his favourite course, ‘How to Run a Successful Sweat Shop 101’.

– He can continue his tradition of working hard for only one day of the year. (I know, not true, lighten up!)

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‘Brains are cool’ hat $24.95 ($U.S.)

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Top 10 reasons why it would be cool to teach at a college in Japan.

– You can fantasize that you’re a ‘Pokemon Professor’.

– You will be able to learn from all those students in your class who are over 100 years old.

– You can wear a skin-tight, all-in-one, spandex body suit to class. Students will refer to you as “the coolest and trendiest professor on campus!” (See ‘Zentai’ trend).

– You’ll boost your Japanese vocabulary skills by learning how to say more than just ‘Kon’nichiwa’ and ‘Sayōnara’.

– You could call up and invite Hiroyuki Hayashi, the lead singer of the rock band Polysics and get him to give your students some free tips on how to liven up their presentations.

– If you’re hung over from drinking too much Sake the night before and don’t feel like teaching that day, you can relax at the back of the classroom and get Pepper’, the Humanoid robot  to teach class for you.

– Every morning, you can hit the ‘snooze alarm’ a couple of times and sleep in an extra 20 minutes, knowing that there is always a high speed train that can get you to the college in just a few minutes.

– After a long day of teaching, you can unwind at the karaoke bars with your fellow professors and belt out ‘Guns ‘n’ Roses’ songs such as ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ and ‘Paradise City’.

– You will be forced to improve your non-verbal communication skills.

– Students will bow to you.

 

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The top 10 ‘must-have’ for college professors on the first day of class.

– A ‘signs of life’ detector.

– The agenda you revised 20 minutes before class.

– The ‘new and improved’ college policies and procedures.

– An ‘ice-breaker’ joke. “A professor walks into a bar…”

– The I.T. department phone number on speed dial.

– An ‘urban dictionary’ to translate student slang.

– Your best mum mum mum mah p-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face.

– A ‘Chrome Book’, ‘iPad’, ‘MacBook’, ‘PC’, ‘Smartphone’, ‘E-reader’, ‘PDA’…Coffee.

– The answers to the questions that you will definitely be asked: “Where’s the washrooms?”, “Is there an exam in this course?”, and “When’s the break?”.

– A key to get into the classroom.

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‘HIGHUR Education’ cartoon by Phil Jones: Introducing the Characters

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FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more…]

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Graduation Ceremony tips for professors.

Mortar board for graduation ceremoniesIt’s that time again, so here are a few tips to make this ‘glorious’ event even more glorious…er.

  1. When you’re sitting on stage, remember that the ceremony is being recorded; and so are you.
  2. For women, don’t wear seven inch stiletto heels. If you trip and fall, it will most likely ‘go viral’ on Youtube.
  3. Don’t drink lots of coffee, tea, or water before the ceremony; you can’t get up, walk off the stage, go to the bathroom, come back, and sit back down (you’re not in a movie theatre!).
  4. When walking up to the stage, periodically wave and give a lot of ‘thumbs-up’ gestures towards the audience; it will make you look popular.
  5. Don’t eat ‘gassy’ foods before the ceremony; enough said. [Read more…]

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Top 10 tips if Miley Cyrus is a student in your class.

-At the start of her first class, DO NOT have all of your students (yourself included) put on ‘Mouseketeer’ hats and start singing the ‘Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song’ to try to make her feel welcome (Miley wasn’t a Mouseketeer…that was Britney!).

-Remind her that grabbing her crotch, gyrating, ‘screw twerking’, and sticking out her tongue during her final presentation will result in a full grade reduction in her overall mark.

-If she talks about the ‘Bangerz’, just know that she is referring to her classmates.

-Don’t ever call her ‘Hannah Montana’ by mistake or you just might get kicked in the ‘Wrecking Balls’.

-Don’t show up at her concert, walk up on stage during her gyrating performance, and ask her for the assignment that was due yesterday.

-Don’t invite ‘Perez Hilton’ to the class as a ‘surprise’ guest speaker.

-In order for her to grasp the concept of ‘plagiarism’, you might try using an analogy as an example: “Well Miley, plagiarism is sort of like when a young pop singer sounds and acts like Madonna did in the 80’s!”

-Deny her request for the lights in the classroom to be dimmed and then have a high speed flashing strobe light shine on her.

-Make a photocopy of the colleges dress code policy to give to her.

– If she starts pouting and referring to the added stress of the increased course load as being “achy breaky”, don’t fall for it; it’s a well-rehearsed ploy to get an extension date on her assignments!

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Top 10 Christmas gift ideas for professors.

1. A bullsh*t detector.

2. A cell phone crusher.

3. A framed piece of chalk.

4. An audio/visual toolkit.

5. A rubber stamp with the letter ‘F’.

6. Mirrored sunglasses.

7. A ‘Napping Pod’ for the office.

8. A book called, ‘Mandarin for Dummies’.

9. An ‘Extreme Make-Over’.

10. A really cool-looking Argyle Sweater Vest (if there is such a thing).

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College Professor cuts brain in half with chainsaw

This is an example of how to use props to get your point across. “Tastes like chicken!”.

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Video for in-class business etiquette team assignment

An example of how I used iMovie and Garageband to create a fun way to introduce an in-class team assignment on ‘business etiquette’. Each team was given a group number and then had to research the business etiquette of the destination shown on the globe that corresponded with that number. A better way to do it than just telling them.

 

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