10 (or so) cool reasons why professors should apply to work at a college on Mars.

-It would sound a lot better to say that you teach at a college located on Mars, rather than located on Uranus.

-You could have ‘Elon Musk’ in as a guest speaker; I mean, what else is he going to do with his spare time while living on Mars?

-You can commute to work on a Mars Rover.

-You would have extra-terrestrial students in your classes that would hand in amazing ‘out of this world’ projects.

-You could take a lot of time off with pay because of the dust storms.

-You now can wear that stupid looking mortar board hat for something useful: to protect your head from a flying asteroid.

-You will have smaller class sizes due to the limited space available on the spacecrafts arriving to the planet.

-You would be known as an ‘Interstellar Professor’.

-You can eat all the pizza in the cafeteria that you want; if you’re 200lbs on earth, you would only be 76lbs. on Mars!

-Due to less surface gravity on Mars than on Earth, you can literally hop around campus.

-Since a day on Mars is about 40 minutes longer than on earth, you can take longer breaks during class.

-You could change your name to ‘Professor Saturn’; it would have a nice ring to it.

 

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Top 10 similarities between a colonoscopy and working at a college.

Colonoscopy for web FINAL

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re approaching your 2010 ‘Toyota’ in the parking lot, and you see that student who failed your class (twice), driving past you in a brand new ‘Porsche’.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you have to repeatedly tell students that, just because its their ‘end-of-semester anniversary’ coming up, it doesn’t mean they can be ‘sexting’ back and forth with their boyfriend/girlfriend during your lecture.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re marking exams and you accidentally knock over your fourth glass of red wine all over them.

It’s a pain in the ass when…you have to use a washroom in one of the older buildings that don’t have ‘2-ply’ toilet paper in the stalls or the  ‘5-step hand-washing instructions’ posted on the wall for you to follow.

It’s a pain in the ass when…the college’s ‘automated’ phone system doesn’t work properly and connects you to a professor or a department…in another country.

It’s a pain in the ass when… the elevator is ‘Out of Order’ and you are forced to take the stairs to get to your class on the second floor.

It’s a pain in the ass when… the ‘mystery professor’, who taught in the classroom before you, used ‘permanent’ white board marker instead of ‘dry erase’ marker on all of the boards.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re sitting with the College President and Dean on the graduation ceremony stage, and you all start to notice that your graduation gown stinks like ‘Old Spice’, bad body odor, and salt & vinegar potato chips; compliments of the professor who wore it during the previous ceremony.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you start yelling obscenities and dropping ‘F-bombs’ at the automated voice on the college phone system, only to realize that it’s actually that nice lady working in the Registration office that ‘pulled some strings’ to get your lazy-ass, no job, smartphone-addicted son to the top of a program’s waiting list.

It’s a pain in in the ass when… you’ve just handed out the last exam to your students, and are just about to sit down and relax for 2 hours with your coffee and newspaper, and suddenly notice that the print shop forgot to print the last page of the exam; the page with the question worth 40% of the final mark.

It’s a pain in the ass when…you go to the ‘Rate my Professor’ website and all the students comments are saying that you’re the one who’s a “pain in the ass”!

 

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18 things Professors can do if they win the lottery!

lottery-balls -When Management asks you why you weren’t at the department meeting, just say, “Because I didn’t feel like it.”

-Hire ‘Bruce Springsteen’ to perform union songs at the next union meeting. Offer him the leftover donuts from the last union meeting as additional payment for him to find a way to insert the name of your college into the lyrics.

-Pay the textbook publishers to put your name, including your picture, as a co-author for all their textbooks. Make sure they thank you in the ‘acknowledgements’ page, even though you did absolutely nothing as a contributor.

-Have a stretch limousine drop you off and pick you up every day at the front of the college. Make sure the driver parks in the College President’s parking spot all day, windows down, blaring the song “Money” by Pink Floyd.

-Boost your ego even further by inviting yourself as the ‘Surprise Guest Speaker’ to all of your classes.

-Hire a ‘Dry Erase Assistant’ (DEA) to write on and erase the whiteboard for you during your lectures.

-Keep your job so you can still collect your pension and use the money for ‘playing the slots’ at the casino.

-Read the ‘Financial Post’ and keep track of your investments during your office hours. Hang up a gold-plated ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your door.

-Tell your colleagues that with your new status, that you’ll no longer be socializing with them, but instead, will only be hanging around with the College President.

-Pay someone to mark all your exams, projects, and assignments and to provide a ‘Summary Page’ for your review just in case a student questions the mark they received.

-Give an all expense paid trip to ‘Cancun’ to the students that get the highest marks in your class, thereby solidifying you being the most popular, coolest professor in the entire college.

-Dominate the conversation during every lunch break in the staff lounge by bragging about your “awesome” weekend getaways to destinations that your colleagues can only dream about and will never be able to afford on their salary.

-Install a fully stocked bar and a mirror ball in the union office for celebrating grievance ‘wins’.

-Have your own exclusive table set up in the corner in the staff lounge. Invite only the coolest Profs in the college to join you for lunch. Be boisterous and loud so the other profs wish they were cool enough to be able to sit with you.

-When on strike, pay someone to hold up your picket sign as you get a foot massage in the lounger that you will have delivered to you while ‘protesting’ on the picket line.

-Have ‘Physical Resources’ install your own personal washroom stall in each washroom throughout the college. Insist that the cleaners fold the ends of the toilet paper roll into a small triangle. If they don’t, file a grievance.

-Set up a ‘Student Bursary Fund’ in your name with an amount far exceeding the monetary contribution of all the others. It will make all the other bursaries at the awards dinner look cheap and pathetic. Make sure to make an annoying ‘scoffing’ noise each time the other donation amounts are announced.

-Buy the college.

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Chalk Stick Cartoon ‘Graduation Day’!

 

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Top 10 (or so) reasons why Professors should sign up for yoga classes at the college.

yoga pose

– You won’t feel so bad wearing your ‘Lululemons’, because you’ll soon realize that you’re not the only ‘plus-size’ professor working at the college.

– It will force you to get some exercise, instead of sitting all day on your fat ‘Asana’ in your office, munching on potato chips and drinking ‘Diet Coke’.

– It will be a nice change to start spending time in a different kind of Detox Centre other than, as you call it, the classroom.

– While lecturing at the front of the classroom, you can impress your students by putting one leg behind your head when standing.

– When you see a student texting during a guest speaker’s talk, you can replace the traditional ‘Count to 10’ with yoga breathing exercises, the Pranayama, to help you refrain from going over and smashing their phone with a sledgehammer.

– You can lend your yoga mat to that student who falls asleep in your class.

– You can learn how to create a relaxed mood in the classroom by using incense, candles, and speaking in a way that your whole lecture sounds like a series of Tibetan chants.

– If you’re non-tenured, it will help with your depression.

– You can keep fooling yourself that you’re as youthful as your students.

– With your newly acquired skills, you will now have a better chance of getting a job as a full-time yoga instructor than a full-time college professor.

– It will help with your digestion after eating the food at the cafeteria.

– You’ll have a place to go for serenity after a student receives their failing grade and tells you to “go to hell!”

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Top 10 reasons why Santa is taking a job as a Professor in the New Year.

prof santa– He wants to change his name from ‘Father Christmas’ to ‘Professor Christmas’.

– With his weight gain problems, scruffy beard, round spectacles, and poor fashion sense, he will fit right in with many of his fellow professors.

– Every day will seem like its Christmas because he’ll have tenure.

– He can hire his elves as his Teaching Assistants and continue to get them to do all his work for him.

–  He can continue replying to emails only once a year.

– He won’t have a problem putting on a gown and mortarboard, because he’s already accustomed to wearing something that looks absolutely ridiculous.

– He can hand out lumps of coal to the students who fail his courses.

– He’ll now have an excuse to get away from his nagging wife, ‘Mrs. Claus’, who is constantly yelling at him, “Get off your fat ass and clean up that reindeer poop!”

– He can easily teach courses in Geography, Brand Marketing, and his favourite course, ‘How to Run a Successful Sweat Shop 101’.

– He can continue his tradition of working hard for only one day of the year. (I know, not true, lighten up!)

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Top 10 (or so) signs that you should begin thinking about retirement.

– You start sniffing the white board markers to arouse your consciousness.

– Your eyes well up with tears when you see the physical resources department throwing out the last overhead projector.

– You start writing on the whiteboard with a white piece of chalk…and you don’t even notice there is anything wrong.

– You’re no longer ‘in the loop’ knowing about the latest, juicy department gossip.

– If you’re teaching a class about an hour or so after eating lunch, your eyes start to look like a deer in the headlights as you stare at your computer screen, followed by an involuntary twitch.

– You don’t know any of your students by name…and you don’t give a sh*t.

– Every conversation you have with your fellow profs ends with “I don’t remember students ever being this awful!”

– Your office starts to smell like death.

– The only reason you give so many breaks during class is so that you can go to the bathroom.

– The only reason you start showing videos in class is because it allows you the opportunity to sit down for a few minutes.

– You have over 3,000 draft emails that you forgot to send.

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Top 10 (or so) professors personal ringtones (that shouldn’t go off in class).

– ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’ by Queen

– Anything by Justin Bieber!

– ‘My heart will go on’ by Celine Dion

– ‘I’ll make love to you’ by Boyz II Men

– ‘Baby got back (I like big butts)’ by Sir Mix-a-Lot

– ‘Hot for teacher’ by Van Halen

– ‘Like a Virgin’ by Madonna

– ‘Me So Horny’ by 2 Live Crew

– ‘I can’t get no satisfaction’ by the Rolling Stones

– ‘Mrs. Brown you have a lovely daughter’ by Herman’s Hermits.

– ‘Tonight I’m f#@!g you’ by Enrique Iglesias

– ‘Don’t stand so close to me’ by The Police

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Campus Cheating: Top 10 (or so) ways to catch students.

-They start off the ‘Academic Misconduct’ meeting by saying to the ‘Cheating Review Committee’, “It’s not you…it’s me.”

-They actually know how to spell ‘plagiarism’, because they have been caught so many times doing it!

-Simply go around the room repeating the “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” lyric and there will be an 80% probability that the students who end up on the last “Mo” are cheating.

-They try to trick you by telling you that their ‘lazy eye’ is a common medical condition when in fact, they spent countless hours watching Youtube videos called ‘Be a Chameleon in the exam room…cheat and go undetected by learning to make your eyes look in two different directions at once!’ and ‘Funny party tricks using your eyes!’

-The student ‘scopes’ the classroom the day before the exam.

-When they enter the exam room, they take out a can of black spray paint, ski mask, and gloves from their backpack and spray the security camera(s) in the room.

-All of their paragraphs start with ‘Lorem Ipsum’.

-On closer inspection of the tattoo covering the back of their hand, you notice the words aren’t “sex, drugs, and rock and roll”, but instead, are the keywords used throughout your course.

-In the middle of the exam, shout out, “Hey YOU, I can see you cheating!” and see who looks up first with a panicked look on their face.

-They tell you the reason they have writing on their palms is because they just left a palm reading session with “Madam Jones, the world’s most amazingly accurate psychic!”

-They’re coughing the ‘Morse Code’ during the exam.

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Top 10 (or so) reasons why it’s cool to be a college professor.

-You can look like a really cool action hero or evil villian when you wear a mortar board and gown.

-You can call yourself a ‘Professor’ and not a ‘Teacher’.

-By default, you are assumed to be somewhat intelligent.

-Free textbooks!

-You don’t ever have to worry if you’re making horrendous wardrobe choices because students are focussed on reading their text messages, not on what you’re wearing.

-If you get a good class time schedule, you can avoid rush hour traffic…both ways!

-You can tell Bill Gates that, contrary to his belief, ‘life is divided into semesters’!

-You can take your laser pointer home and spend hours of hilarious entertainment watching your stupid cat chase after the little red light.

-You get to eat in the staff lounge and use the real cutlery, not the sh*tty plastic stuff in the cafeteria that everyone else has to use.

-Young people will actually listen to you and do what you tell them…unlike your own kids.

-You will be ‘cool and trendy’ by knowing all of the latest trends in technology, slang vocabulary, and pop culture events. You can then use this knowledge at your next party to make your friends feel really old, stupid, and out-of-touch.

-June, July, and August!

 

 

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