Top 10 (or so) precautions to take if Justin Bieber registers for your class.

-Prior to writing your exam, inform Justin that the policy says that he will have to take off his baseball cap, so he should use extra gel that day to maintain his hairstyle’s texture and shape.

-Have 17 extra seats delivered to the class so his ‘posse’ can sit down.

-If you don’t allow for a bathroom break during class, then you may want to consider having a bucket nearby.

-Read his ‘contract rider’ to see if you will need to purchase ‘gold star’ stickers to put on his assignments.

-Have a translator nearby in case he ‘raps’ his answer when you ask him a question.

-Learn to spell his last name correctly… it’s ‘ie’, NOT ‘ei’!

-When taking attendance, make sure not to call out “Justin Drew Bieber!?”; just say “The Bieb!?”

-If you teach history, don’t ever mention the name ‘Anne Frank’ in his presence.

-When you look at him and see him making different facial expressions at you, don’t worry that he isn’t understanding the material; he’s just practising his different looks for an upcoming photo shoot.

-Make sure he passes the course or you will face the wrath of his ‘Beliebers’.

-Have a spare shirt available (preferably the brand ‘Billionaire Boy’s Club’) in case he shows up to class shirtless.

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Top 10 new terms every professor must know.

‘A Woodstock Wipeout’: Blanking out in mid-sentence during your lecture in front of the whole class.

‘Peripheral Fallout’: Realizing that you’ve been focused on lecturing only to the students sitting on one side of the class…for the last 15 minutes.

‘Time Machine re-entry’: Starting off a sentence with “I remember when I was in college…”

‘Chalk Outline Faux Pas’: Unknowingly wiping the front of your pants/dress with your hand after using chalk, leaving an outline of your handprint for all to see (trying to wipe it off in front of the class is actually worse, so don’t).

‘Bladder Brain’: A sudden brain distraction and loss of focus during the middle of your lecture due to a violent need to go to the bathroom.

‘Youtube Anxiety’: Saying or doing something in class that you hope doesn’t end up on Youtube.

‘Break leak’: Your “10 minute” class break turns into…well…22 minutes.

‘Professor Advisory Warning’: Catching yourself giving the same parental advice to your students that you give to your own kids.

‘Preacher Theft’: Shamelessly stealing body language tips from watching Sunday morning evangelists on TV.

‘Momentary Lapse of Fashion’: In the morning, making an inappropriate wardrobe decision thinking that you can recapture your youth and be like a student again. Unfortunately, instead, you look like you’re heading off to see an ‘80’s Hair Band’ concert.

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Top 10 things heard from 70’s psych-folk singer ‘Rodriguez’ if he was a young college student today.

“I think I caught ‘Gommorah’ from that girl at the party last month”.

“Psst…hey, where can I find the ‘Sugar man’ on campus?”

“Bob Dylan sucks, I prefer listening to ‘Jay-Z’!”

“I applied to ‘Wayne State University’ but got rejected.”

“What’s wrong with my hat…I think it’s cool?”

“Wow, that exam really crucified my mind!”

“I got kicked out of class yesterday for refusing to take off my sunglasses.”

“I got an ‘F’ on my public speaking presentation; the professor said I mumble.”

“My prof said I have a bad attitude…whatever.”

“For some reason, I like this quote: ‘Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans’.”

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Higher Education Cartoons- ‘Chalk Stick Cartoons’, Vol. 4

 

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Top 10 things you don’t want to hear your department Chair to say to you.

1. “So, when do you want to meet to discuss your performance evaluation?”

2. “I would like you to be a mentor for our new faculty member.”

3. “We’re looking for a volunteer.”

4. “Can I have the other half of your sandwich?”

5. “I’ve scheduled a department meeting during the March break.”

6. “I think it would be fun to sit in on one of your classes, what do you think?!”

7. “I didn’t realize you were dating a student.”

8. “How am I doing in my role as a Chair…be honest?”

9. “zzzzzzz….sorry, did you say something?”

10. “Thanks for listening to all of my personal problems.”

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Top 10 (or so) Professors New Year’s Resolutions.

1. “I’m going to learn how to say ‘Stop &#!@ texting during my &*$# class!’ in several different languages.”

2. “This year, for sure…no more ‘nodding off’ during department meetings.”

3. “I’ll think I’ll show more hour-long videos during class.”

4. “I’m thinking about answering the door during my office hours.”

5. “I really have to stop taking longer smoke breaks than my students.”

6. “I’m going to try to stop swearing at those people who work in the @%*!# Information Technology department!”

7. “I’m going to start prepping for class.”

8. “I’m going to stop taking the elevator when I have a class on the 2nd floor.”

9. “I’m going to convert all my exams to a multiple choice format.”

10. “I’ll try to stop smashing my students cellphones with a sledgehammer…but I can’t make any promises.”

11. “Next semester, I will promptly respond to everyone’s emails, hopefully within a three-week period.”

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Top 10 Christmas gift ideas for professors.

1. A bullsh*t detector.

2. A cell phone crusher.

3. A framed piece of chalk.

4. An audio/visual toolkit.

5. A rubber stamp with the letter ‘F’.

6. Mirrored sunglasses.

7. A ‘Napping Pod’ for the office.

8. A book called, ‘Mandarin for Dummies’.

9. An ‘Extreme Make-Over’.

10. A really cool-looking Argyle Sweater Vest (if there is such a thing).

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Top 10 (or so) student excuses for missing the midterm exam.

1. “Exam…what exam?”
2. “The bus went right past my bus stop as I was running for it!”
3. “I don’t believe in miracles.”
4. “I was sick, so that means you have to let me write it even without a Doctor’s note. Look, the policy is right here in black and white!”
5. “You didn’t text me to confirm.”
6. “I was the only one here yesterday, so I figured it was cancelled.”
7. “My roomates cat had a nervous breakdown.”
8. “I dreamt that I failed it anyway.”
9. “It didn’t align with my short-term goals.”
10. “I had to make a choice: Write the exam or watch the finale of ‘Breaking Bad’. I have no regrets for missing the exam.”
11. “I had to console my little sister because the ‘Jonas Brothers’ just broke up.”

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Top 10 things NOT to do on the first day of class.

1. Ask the class if they want to see your new tattoo.

2. Pull a ukelele out of your laptop bag and start singing ‘Kumbaya’.

3. Select team project groups by student nationality.

4. Run into the classroom wearing your pyjamas while brushing your teeth.

5. Tell a ‘raunchy’ joke and laugh at it.

6. Down a ‘Red Bull’ in 3 seconds flat, belch loudly, pop an ‘Advil’, and say “Ok, let’s start class!”

7. Stumble, swear loudly, turn around, swear loudly again, and blame the &^@! floor.

8. Talk about all your bad relationships and how many times you’ve been ‘screwed over’.

9. With a heavy sigh, say “I’ve never taught before, this is my first class.”

10. End the class by shouting, “Party at my place this weekend and you’re all invited!”

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‘HIGHUR Education’ cartoon by Phil Jones: ‘Wake-up call’

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