Top 10 similarities between a colonoscopy and working at a college.

Colonoscopy for web FINAL

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re approaching your 2010 ‘Toyota’ in the parking lot, and you see that student who failed your class (twice), driving past you in a brand new ‘Porsche’.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you have to repeatedly tell students that, just because its their ‘end-of-semester anniversary’ coming up, it doesn’t mean they can be ‘sexting’ back and forth with their boyfriend/girlfriend during your lecture.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re marking exams and you accidentally knock over your fourth glass of red wine all over them.

It’s a pain in the ass when…you have to use a washroom in one of the older buildings that don’t have ‘2-ply’ toilet paper in the stalls or the  ‘5-step hand-washing instructions’ posted on the wall for you to follow.

It’s a pain in the ass when…the college’s ‘automated’ phone system doesn’t work properly and connects you to a professor or a department…in another country.

It’s a pain in the ass when… the elevator is ‘Out of Order’ and you are forced to take the stairs to get to your class on the second floor.

It’s a pain in the ass when… the ‘mystery professor’, who taught in the classroom before you, used ‘permanent’ white board marker instead of ‘dry erase’ marker on all of the boards.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re sitting with the College President and Dean on the graduation ceremony stage, and you all start to notice that your graduation gown stinks like ‘Old Spice’, bad body odor, and salt & vinegar potato chips; compliments of the professor who wore it during the previous ceremony.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you start yelling obscenities and dropping ‘F-bombs’ at the automated voice on the college phone system, only to realize that it’s actually that nice lady working in the Registration office that ‘pulled some strings’ to get your lazy-ass, no job, smartphone-addicted son to the top of a program’s waiting list.

It’s a pain in in the ass when… you’ve just handed out the last exam to your students, and are just about to sit down and relax for 2 hours with your coffee and newspaper, and suddenly notice that the print shop forgot to print the last page of the exam; the page with the question worth 40% of the final mark.

It’s a pain in the ass when…you go to the ‘Rate my Professor’ website and all the students comments are saying that you’re the one who’s a “pain in the ass”!

 

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18 things Professors can do if they win the lottery!

lottery-balls -When Management asks you why you weren’t at the department meeting, just say, “Because I didn’t feel like it.”

-Hire ‘Bruce Springsteen’ to perform union songs at the next union meeting. Offer him the leftover donuts from the last union meeting as additional payment for him to find a way to insert the name of your college into the lyrics.

-Pay the textbook publishers to put your name, including your picture, as a co-author for all their textbooks. Make sure they thank you in the ‘acknowledgements’ page, even though you did absolutely nothing as a contributor.

-Have a stretch limousine drop you off and pick you up every day at the front of the college. Make sure the driver parks in the College President’s parking spot all day, windows down, blaring the song “Money” by Pink Floyd.

-Boost your ego even further by inviting yourself as the ‘Surprise Guest Speaker’ to all of your classes.

-Hire a ‘Dry Erase Assistant’ (DEA) to write on and erase the whiteboard for you during your lectures.

-Keep your job so you can still collect your pension and use the money for ‘playing the slots’ at the casino.

-Read the ‘Financial Post’ and keep track of your investments during your office hours. Hang up a gold-plated ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your door.

-Tell your colleagues that with your new status, that you’ll no longer be socializing with them, but instead, will only be hanging around with the College President.

-Pay someone to mark all your exams, projects, and assignments and to provide a ‘Summary Page’ for your review just in case a student questions the mark they received.

-Give an all expense paid trip to ‘Cancun’ to the students that get the highest marks in your class, thereby solidifying you being the most popular, coolest professor in the entire college.

-Dominate the conversation during every lunch break in the staff lounge by bragging about your “awesome” weekend getaways to destinations that your colleagues can only dream about and will never be able to afford on their salary.

-Install a fully stocked bar and a mirror ball in the union office for celebrating grievance ‘wins’.

-Have your own exclusive table set up in the corner in the staff lounge. Invite only the coolest Profs in the college to join you for lunch. Be boisterous and loud so the other profs wish they were cool enough to be able to sit with you.

-When on strike, pay someone to hold up your picket sign as you get a foot massage in the lounger that you will have delivered to you while ‘protesting’ on the picket line.

-Have ‘Physical Resources’ install your own personal washroom stall in each washroom throughout the college. Insist that the cleaners fold the ends of the toilet paper roll into a small triangle. If they don’t, file a grievance.

-Set up a ‘Student Bursary Fund’ in your name with an amount far exceeding the monetary contribution of all the others. It will make all the other bursaries at the awards dinner look cheap and pathetic. Make sure to make an annoying ‘scoffing’ noise each time the other donation amounts are announced.

-Buy the college.

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Chalk Stick Cartoon ‘Graduation Day’!

 

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Top 10 reasons why Santa is taking a job as a Professor in the New Year.

prof santa– He wants to change his name from ‘Father Christmas’ to ‘Professor Christmas’.

– With his weight gain problems, scruffy beard, round spectacles, and poor fashion sense, he will fit right in with many of his fellow professors.

– Every day will seem like its Christmas because he’ll have tenure.

– He can hire his elves as his Teaching Assistants and continue to get them to do all his work for him.

–  He can continue replying to emails only once a year.

– He won’t have a problem putting on a gown and mortarboard, because he’s already accustomed to wearing something that looks absolutely ridiculous.

– He can hand out lumps of coal to the students who fail his courses.

– He’ll now have an excuse to get away from his nagging wife, ‘Mrs. Claus’, who is constantly yelling at him, “Get off your fat ass and clean up that reindeer poop!”

– He can easily teach courses in Geography, Brand Marketing, and his favourite course, ‘How to Run a Successful Sweat Shop 101’.

– He can continue his tradition of working hard for only one day of the year. (I know, not true, lighten up!)

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Top 10 (or so) fun ways to be a ‘Nutty Professor’ in class.

– Put an elastic band on your wrist and snap it every time you say the word “exam”.

– Have someone call your cellphone during class time, answer it, laugh out loud, and leave the room for 15 minutes. Upon your return, give the students a handout about unacceptable cell phone use in the classroom and sternly tell them “it won’t be tolerated.”

– Start teaching a totally different subject.

– As students start entering the class, sit in front of the projection screen watching any of the raunchy Miley Cyrus videos (male profs) or the Enrique Iglesias’ “Tonight I’m loving you’ video (female profs).

– Spend the first 20 minutes of the class chasing an imaginary fly around the room. As you frantically swing the fly swatter, curse and swear like a truck driver who’s just been cut off.

– Wear tight white pants and start dancing and singing the “Tight Pants” song as seen on the ‘Jimmy Fallon Show’.

– Put on the national anthem at the start of class, stand at attention at the front of the room, and start singing the words as loud and off-key as you can.

– Talk about yourself in the 3rd person…and then in the 4th person.

– Perform your whole lecture like a ventriloquist act using an Albert Einstein puppet.

– Have a change of clothes in your office and change into them on the break. Come back to class as if nothing is different.

– Start eating the chalk.

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‘HIGHUR Education’ cartoon by Phil Jones: Introducing the Characters

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FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more…]

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Higher Education Cartoons: ‘Chalk Stick Cartoons’, Vol. 5

 

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Campus Cheating: Top 10 (or so) ways to catch students.

-They start off the ‘Academic Misconduct’ meeting by saying to the ‘Cheating Review Committee’, “It’s not you…it’s me.”

-They actually know how to spell ‘plagiarism’, because they have been caught so many times doing it!

-Simply go around the room repeating the “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” lyric and there will be an 80% probability that the students who end up on the last “Mo” are cheating.

-They try to trick you by telling you that their ‘lazy eye’ is a common medical condition when in fact, they spent countless hours watching Youtube videos called ‘Be a Chameleon in the exam room…cheat and go undetected by learning to make your eyes look in two different directions at once!’ and ‘Funny party tricks using your eyes!’

-The student ‘scopes’ the classroom the day before the exam.

-When they enter the exam room, they take out a can of black spray paint, ski mask, and gloves from their backpack and spray the security camera(s) in the room.

-All of their paragraphs start with ‘Lorem Ipsum’.

-On closer inspection of the tattoo covering the back of their hand, you notice the words aren’t “sex, drugs, and rock and roll”, but instead, are the keywords used throughout your course.

-In the middle of the exam, shout out, “Hey YOU, I can see you cheating!” and see who looks up first with a panicked look on their face.

-They tell you the reason they have writing on their palms is because they just left a palm reading session with “Madam Jones, the world’s most amazingly accurate psychic!”

-They’re coughing the ‘Morse Code’ during the exam.

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Top 10 (or so) signs that you’re spending way too much time at the college!

– You suddenly feel the urge to call the maintenance office to clean off that dead fly that has been stuck on your office window for the past year.

-You refer to the people who work in I.T. as your “friends”.

-At lunchtime, you ask for “the usual” and all the servers who work behind the counters at the cafeteria know exactly what you mean.

-You’ve memorized the slideshows on the big screen monitors placed around the college.

-A student asks you for directions how to get to a specific classroom and you draw for them a detailed map that would put ‘Google Maps’ to shame.

– The administrative staff who work in the different departments throughout the college know you on a first name basis.

– You file a 3-page complaint letter to the union that the bathrooms aren’t being cleaned to your standards. Included in this letter is a proposed cleaning schedule, hand washing instructions, and where to find the best deals on plungers.

– You have bought your own carpet, wallpaper, and mood lighting for your office. Even worse, there is the gentle scent of your own ‘signature blend’ of potpourri throughout the office.

– You never have a problem finding a parking space in the morning because you’re always the first to arrive.

– You’re actually excited that your ‘Frequent Shopper’ card at the college gift/book store is nearly full, making you eligible to get a 10% discount off that sweatshirt with the college logo emblazoned on it.

-You can’t wear the same outfit two days in a row.

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Top 10 tips if Miley Cyrus is a student in your class.

-At the start of her first class, DO NOT have all of your students (yourself included) put on ‘Mouseketeer’ hats and start singing the ‘Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song’ to try to make her feel welcome (Miley wasn’t a Mouseketeer…that was Britney!).

-Remind her that grabbing her crotch, gyrating, ‘screw twerking’, and sticking out her tongue during her final presentation will result in a full grade reduction in her overall mark.

-If she talks about the ‘Bangerz’, just know that she is referring to her classmates.

-Don’t ever call her ‘Hannah Montana’ by mistake or you just might get kicked in the ‘Wrecking Balls’.

-Don’t show up at her concert, walk up on stage during her gyrating performance, and ask her for the assignment that was due yesterday.

-Don’t invite ‘Perez Hilton’ to the class as a ‘surprise’ guest speaker.

-In order for her to grasp the concept of ‘plagiarism’, you might try using an analogy as an example: “Well Miley, plagiarism is sort of like when a young pop singer sounds and acts like Madonna did in the 80’s!”

-Deny her request for the lights in the classroom to be dimmed and then have a high speed flashing strobe light shine on her.

-Make a photocopy of the colleges dress code policy to give to her.

– If she starts pouting and referring to the added stress of the increased course load as being “achy breaky”, don’t fall for it; it’s a well-rehearsed ploy to get an extension date on her assignments!

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