18 things Professors can do if they win the lottery!

lottery-balls -When Management asks you why you weren’t at the department meeting, just say, “Because I didn’t feel like it.”

-Hire ‘Bruce Springsteen’ to perform union songs at the next union meeting. Offer him the leftover donuts from the last union meeting as additional payment for him to find a way to insert the name of your college into the lyrics.

-Pay the textbook publishers to put your name, including your picture, as a co-author for all their textbooks. Make sure they thank you in the ‘acknowledgements’ page, even though you did absolutely nothing as a contributor.

-Have a stretch limousine drop you off and pick you up every day at the front of the college. Make sure the driver parks in the College President’s parking spot all day, windows down, blaring the song “Money” by Pink Floyd.

-Boost your ego even further by inviting yourself as the ‘Surprise Guest Speaker’ to all of your classes.

-Hire a ‘Dry Erase Assistant’ (DEA) to write on and erase the whiteboard for you during your lectures.

-Keep your job so you can still collect your pension and use the money for ‘playing the slots’ at the casino.

-Read the ‘Financial Post’ and keep track of your investments during your office hours. Hang up a gold-plated ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your door.

-Tell your colleagues that with your new status, that you’ll no longer be socializing with them, but instead, will only be hanging around with the College President.

-Pay someone to mark all your exams, projects, and assignments and to provide a ‘Summary Page’ for your review just in case a student questions the mark they received.

-Give an all expense paid trip to ‘Cancun’ to the students that get the highest marks in your class, thereby solidifying you being the most popular, coolest professor in the entire college.

-Dominate the conversation during every lunch break in the staff lounge by bragging about your “awesome” weekend getaways to destinations that your colleagues can only dream about and will never be able to afford on their salary.

-Install a fully stocked bar and a mirror ball in the union office for celebrating grievance ‘wins’.

-Have your own exclusive table set up in the corner in the staff lounge. Invite only the coolest Profs in the college to join you for lunch. Be boisterous and loud so the other profs wish they were cool enough to be able to sit with you.

-When on strike, pay someone to hold up your picket sign as you get a foot massage in the lounger that you will have delivered to you while ‘protesting’ on the picket line.

-Have ‘Physical Resources’ install your own personal washroom stall in each washroom throughout the college. Insist that the cleaners fold the ends of the toilet paper roll into a small triangle. If they don’t, file a grievance.

-Set up a ‘Student Bursary Fund’ in your name with an amount far exceeding the monetary contribution of all the others. It will make all the other bursaries at the awards dinner look cheap and pathetic. Make sure to make an annoying ‘scoffing’ noise each time the other donation amounts are announced.

-Buy the college.

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Higher Education Cartoons: ‘Chalk Stick Cartoons’, Vol. 5

 

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Top 10 (or so) signs that you’re spending way too much time at the college!

– You suddenly feel the urge to call the maintenance office to clean off that dead fly that has been stuck on your office window for the past year.

-You refer to the people who work in I.T. as your “friends”.

-At lunchtime, you ask for “the usual” and all the servers who work behind the counters at the cafeteria know exactly what you mean.

-You’ve memorized the slideshows on the big screen monitors placed around the college.

-A student asks you for directions how to get to a specific classroom and you draw for them a detailed map that would put ‘Google Maps’ to shame.

– The administrative staff who work in the different departments throughout the college know you on a first name basis.

– You file a 3-page complaint letter to the union that the bathrooms aren’t being cleaned to your standards. Included in this letter is a proposed cleaning schedule, hand washing instructions, and where to find the best deals on plungers.

– You have bought your own carpet, wallpaper, and mood lighting for your office. Even worse, there is the gentle scent of your own ‘signature blend’ of potpourri throughout the office.

– You never have a problem finding a parking space in the morning because you’re always the first to arrive.

– You’re actually excited that your ‘Frequent Shopper’ card at the college gift/book store is nearly full, making you eligible to get a 10% discount off that sweatshirt with the college logo emblazoned on it.

-You can’t wear the same outfit two days in a row.

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Top 10 tips if Miley Cyrus is a student in your class.

-At the start of her first class, DO NOT have all of your students (yourself included) put on ‘Mouseketeer’ hats and start singing the ‘Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song’ to try to make her feel welcome (Miley wasn’t a Mouseketeer…that was Britney!).

-Remind her that grabbing her crotch, gyrating, ‘screw twerking’, and sticking out her tongue during her final presentation will result in a full grade reduction in her overall mark.

-If she talks about the ‘Bangerz’, just know that she is referring to her classmates.

-Don’t ever call her ‘Hannah Montana’ by mistake or you just might get kicked in the ‘Wrecking Balls’.

-Don’t show up at her concert, walk up on stage during her gyrating performance, and ask her for the assignment that was due yesterday.

-Don’t invite ‘Perez Hilton’ to the class as a ‘surprise’ guest speaker.

-In order for her to grasp the concept of ‘plagiarism’, you might try using an analogy as an example: “Well Miley, plagiarism is sort of like when a young pop singer sounds and acts like Madonna did in the 80’s!”

-Deny her request for the lights in the classroom to be dimmed and then have a high speed flashing strobe light shine on her.

-Make a photocopy of the colleges dress code policy to give to her.

– If she starts pouting and referring to the added stress of the increased course load as being “achy breaky”, don’t fall for it; it’s a well-rehearsed ploy to get an extension date on her assignments!

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Top 10 (or so) precautions to take if Justin Bieber registers for your class.

-Prior to writing your exam, inform Justin that the policy says that he will have to take off his baseball cap, so he should use extra gel that day to maintain his hairstyle’s texture and shape.

-Have 17 extra seats delivered to the class so his ‘posse’ can sit down.

-If you don’t allow for a bathroom break during class, then you may want to consider having a bucket nearby.

-Read his ‘contract rider’ to see if you will need to purchase ‘gold star’ stickers to put on his assignments.

-Have a translator nearby in case he ‘raps’ his answer when you ask him a question.

-Learn to spell his last name correctly… it’s ‘ie’, NOT ‘ei’!

-When taking attendance, make sure not to call out “Justin Drew Bieber!?”; just say “The Bieb!?”

-If you teach history, don’t ever mention the name ‘Anne Frank’ in his presence.

-When you look at him and see him making different facial expressions at you, don’t worry that he isn’t understanding the material; he’s just practising his different looks for an upcoming photo shoot.

-Make sure he passes the course or you will face the wrath of his ‘Beliebers’.

-Have a spare shirt available (preferably the brand ‘Billionaire Boy’s Club’) in case he shows up to class shirtless.

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Top 10 new terms every professor must know.

‘A Woodstock Wipeout’: Blanking out in mid-sentence during your lecture in front of the whole class.

‘Peripheral Fallout’: Realizing that you’ve been focused on lecturing only to the students sitting on one side of the class…for the last 15 minutes.

‘Time Machine re-entry’: Starting off a sentence with “I remember when I was in college…”

‘Chalk Outline Faux Pas’: Unknowingly wiping the front of your pants/dress with your hand after using chalk, leaving an outline of your handprint for all to see (trying to wipe it off in front of the class is actually worse, so don’t).

‘Bladder Brain’: A sudden brain distraction and loss of focus during the middle of your lecture due to a violent need to go to the bathroom.

‘Youtube Anxiety’: Saying or doing something in class that you hope doesn’t end up on Youtube.

‘Break leak’: Your “10 minute” class break turns into…well…22 minutes.

‘Professor Advisory Warning’: Catching yourself giving the same parental advice to your students that you give to your own kids.

‘Preacher Theft’: Shamelessly stealing body language tips from watching Sunday morning evangelists on TV.

‘Momentary Lapse of Fashion’: In the morning, making an inappropriate wardrobe decision thinking that you can recapture your youth and be like a student again. Unfortunately, instead, you look like you’re heading off to see an ‘80’s Hair Band’ concert.

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Top 10 things heard from 70’s psych-folk singer ‘Rodriguez’ if he was a young college student today.

“I think I caught ‘Gommorah’ from that girl at the party last month”.

“Psst…hey, where can I find the ‘Sugar man’ on campus?”

“Bob Dylan sucks, I prefer listening to ‘Jay-Z’!”

“I applied to ‘Wayne State University’ but got rejected.”

“What’s wrong with my hat…I think it’s cool?”

“Wow, that exam really crucified my mind!”

“I got kicked out of class yesterday for refusing to take off my sunglasses.”

“I got an ‘F’ on my public speaking presentation; the professor said I mumble.”

“My prof said I have a bad attitude…whatever.”

“For some reason, I like this quote: ‘Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans’.”

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Higher Education Cartoons- ‘Chalk Stick Cartoons’, Vol. 4

 

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Top 10 things you don’t want to hear your department Chair to say to you.

1. “So, when do you want to meet to discuss your performance evaluation?”

2. “I would like you to be a mentor for our new faculty member.”

3. “We’re looking for a volunteer.”

4. “Can I have the other half of your sandwich?”

5. “I’ve scheduled a department meeting during the March break.”

6. “I think it would be fun to sit in on one of your classes, what do you think?!”

7. “I didn’t realize you were dating a student.”

8. “How am I doing in my role as a Chair…be honest?”

9. “zzzzzzz….sorry, did you say something?”

10. “Thanks for listening to all of my personal problems.”

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Top 10 (or so) Professors New Year’s Resolutions.

1. “I’m going to learn how to say ‘Stop &#!@ texting during my &*$# class!’ in several different languages.”

2. “This year, for sure…no more ‘nodding off’ during department meetings.”

3. “I’ll think I’ll show more hour-long videos during class.”

4. “I’m thinking about answering the door during my office hours.”

5. “I really have to stop taking longer smoke breaks than my students.”

6. “I’m going to try to stop swearing at those people who work in the @%*!# Information Technology department!”

7. “I’m going to start prepping for class.”

8. “I’m going to stop taking the elevator when I have a class on the 2nd floor.”

9. “I’m going to convert all my exams to a multiple choice format.”

10. “I’ll try to stop smashing my students cellphones with a sledgehammer…but I can’t make any promises.”

11. “Next semester, I will promptly respond to everyone’s emails, hopefully within a three-week period.”

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