‘Chalk Stick Cartoons’ Vol. 6 “The internet lost my project sir!”

 

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Top 10 (or so) things to do if you accidentally ‘pass gas’ during your lecture.

1. Gas blog postPause. Reflect. Continue.

2.  In a stern voice say, “Alright, whose ringtone is that?”

3. Contact your Union office and tell them it’s a stress-related condition and take off the rest of the semester.

 

4. If you have tenure, don’t worry; it doesn’t matter.

5. Immediately turn around and write on the board “He who smelt it, dealt it.”

6. Try to re-create the sound by squeaking your shoes on the floor.

7. Tell a quick joke to allow students to let out their suppressed laughter.

8. Offer all the students an A+ to keep their mouths shut.

9. Start thinking about how you’ll deal with your sudden fame when a student posts it on Youtube.

10. Deflect the situation by asking the class a hard question.

11. Avoid eye contact with all the students who are sitting in the front row.

12. Put on your best ‘P-P-P-Poker Face’.

13. Pull the fire alarm and don’t return to class…for the rest of the semester.

 

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Top 10 reasons why Santa is taking a job as a Professor in the New Year.

prof santa– He wants to change his name from ‘Father Christmas’ to ‘Professor Christmas’.

– With his weight gain problems, scruffy beard, round spectacles, and poor fashion sense, he will fit right in with many of his fellow professors.

– Every day will seem like its Christmas because he’ll have tenure.

– He can hire his elves as his Teaching Assistants and continue to get them to do all his work for him.

–  He can continue replying to emails only once a year.

– He won’t have a problem putting on a gown and mortarboard, because he’s already accustomed to wearing something that looks absolutely ridiculous.

– He can hand out lumps of coal to the students who fail his courses.

– He’ll now have an excuse to get away from his nagging wife, ‘Mrs. Claus’, who is constantly yelling at him, “Get off your fat ass and clean up that reindeer poop!”

– He can easily teach courses in Geography, Brand Marketing, and his favourite course, ‘How to Run a Successful Sweat Shop 101’.

– He can continue his tradition of working hard for only one day of the year. (I know, not true, lighten up!)

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Top 10 (or so) ways to try to boost your world university rankings.

– Create your own on-campus TV reality series called, ‘Professor Judy’. “The students are real. The exams are real. The marks are final. This is Professor Judy!”

– Try sucking up to ‘Times Higher Education’ by screen printing their logo on top of all your mortar boards for free.

– Don’t reveal the results of the quality of your student academic scoring levels under ANY circumstances.

– Offer ‘Free Beer for a Year’ to all incoming first year students.

– Take off all the videos on Youtube that are showing your professors smashing a student’s cellphone during class.

– Create a total re-branding strategy by hiring rock star Gene Simmons as college president who will then change the name of your college to something cool like ‘KISS-U’.

– Encourage faculty to submit research articles that they wrote after 1982.

– Mention the ‘3 click rule’ to your Webmaster.

– Lock your smartest professor in a basement lab at the college until he/she creates something that will win a Nobel Prize.

– Offer a free online course to the world’s billionaires. Immediately upon passing that course, showcase them in all of your marketing materials as being one of your ‘Alumni Billionaires’!

– Focus your curriculum on Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math (STEM) instead of Striptease, Tabouleh-making, Elvis sighting strategies, and Miley Cyrus ‘twerking’ skills.

– Increase your Google ranking and website hits by adding the word ‘sex’ to your college site url.

 

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Top 10 (or so) signs that you should begin thinking about retirement.

– You start sniffing the white board markers to arouse your consciousness.

– Your eyes well up with tears when you see the physical resources department throwing out the last overhead projector.

– You start writing on the whiteboard with a white piece of chalk…and you don’t even notice there is anything wrong.

– You’re no longer ‘in the loop’ knowing about the latest, juicy department gossip.

– If you’re teaching a class about an hour or so after eating lunch, your eyes start to look like a deer in the headlights as you stare at your computer screen, followed by an involuntary twitch.

– You don’t know any of your students by name…and you don’t give a sh*t.

– Every conversation you have with your fellow profs ends with “I don’t remember students ever being this awful!”

– Your office starts to smell like death.

– The only reason you give so many breaks during class is so that you can go to the bathroom.

– The only reason you start showing videos in class is because it allows you the opportunity to sit down for a few minutes.

– You have over 3,000 draft emails that you forgot to send.

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Top 10 (or so) fun ways to be a ‘Nutty Professor’ in class.

– Put an elastic band on your wrist and snap it every time you say the word “exam”.

– Have someone call your cellphone during class time, answer it, laugh out loud, and leave the room for 15 minutes. Upon your return, give the students a handout about unacceptable cell phone use in the classroom and sternly tell them “it won’t be tolerated.”

– Start teaching a totally different subject.

– As students start entering the class, sit in front of the projection screen watching any of the raunchy Miley Cyrus videos (male profs) or the Enrique Iglesias’ “Tonight I’m loving you’ video (female profs).

– Spend the first 20 minutes of the class chasing an imaginary fly around the room. As you frantically swing the fly swatter, curse and swear like a truck driver who’s just been cut off.

– Wear tight white pants and start dancing and singing the “Tight Pants” song as seen on the ‘Jimmy Fallon Show’.

– Put on the national anthem at the start of class, stand at attention at the front of the room, and start singing the words as loud and off-key as you can.

– Talk about yourself in the 3rd person…and then in the 4th person.

– Perform your whole lecture like a ventriloquist act using an Albert Einstein puppet.

– Have a change of clothes in your office and change into them on the break. Come back to class as if nothing is different.

– Start eating the chalk.

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Top 10 reasons why it would be cool to teach at a college in Japan.

– You can fantasize that you’re a ‘Pokemon Professor’.

– You will be able to learn from all those students in your class who are over 100 years old.

– You can wear a skin-tight, all-in-one, spandex body suit to class. Students will refer to you as “the coolest and trendiest professor on campus!” (See ‘Zentai’ trend).

– You’ll boost your Japanese vocabulary skills by learning how to say more than just ‘Kon’nichiwa’ and ‘Sayōnara’.

– You could call up and invite Hiroyuki Hayashi, the lead singer of the rock band Polysics and get him to give your students some free tips on how to liven up their presentations.

– If you’re hung over from drinking too much Sake the night before and don’t feel like teaching that day, you can relax at the back of the classroom and get Pepper’, the Humanoid robot  to teach class for you.

– Every morning, you can hit the ‘snooze alarm’ a couple of times and sleep in an extra 20 minutes, knowing that there is always a high speed train that can get you to the college in just a few minutes.

– After a long day of teaching, you can unwind at the karaoke bars with your fellow professors and belt out ‘Guns ‘n’ Roses’ songs such as ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ and ‘Paradise City’.

– You will be forced to improve your non-verbal communication skills.

– Students will bow to you.

 

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Top 10 (or so) things students said to each other during the first day of class.

– “Where’s the Professor?”

– “Not bad, I’ll give her a 7/10…if she wasn’t over 50…maybe an 8.5/10.”

– “He was probably pretty hot when he was younger.”

– “Psst…check out this Youtube video, it’s hilarious!”

– “Do you know of any places near the college where I can park for free?”

– “I guess the class started without me?”

– “Whaddya mean that I just sat through the wrong class?”

– “Where’s the tutoring office?”

– “I think I might register for this class; it was pretty interesting.” (this WAS said to me at the end of class…lol).

– “Quick, go to ‘Google Translate’!”

– “I think I’ve just discovered the cure for my insomnia!”

– “B.Y.O.D.? I thought it was B.Y.O.B.?”

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Top 10 reasons why it would be cool to teach at a college in Australia.

– Mel Gibson might be the keynote speaker at the graduation ceremony and give the ‘Braveheart Freedom Speech’.

– If you feel insecure about not having a PhD, it’s ok, because even if you did have one, no one wants to hear about it anyway.

– You will boost your language skills by learning Australian slang.

– You will end up becoming one of the most self-confident, laid back professors on the planet.

– You can secretly think of yourself as being the ‘The Wizard of Oz’.

– You can teach an entire online course in the outback, sitting around a campfire drinking beer, and partying with the ‘blokes’ in the rock band AC/DC.

– As a fun and entertaining problem-solving exercise, you could get students to try to teach kangaroos and emus how to walk backwards.

– You’ll never have a problem with students arriving late for class; they’ll always arrive a few minutes early.

– You can use an Australian Cattle Dog to help you get organized for class.

– You can end each class with the Aussie chant, “Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!”

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Top 10 (or so) signs its college strike negotiations time.

– There are closed-door meetings between the Union Reps and the Manager of the coffee shop located next to the college.

– Professors who own cottages are seen re-opening them and re-stocking the fridge.

– Professors are seen attending the Union meetings.

– Local sign makers start to schmooze Union Reps with complimentary pens emblazoned with the college logo.

– Professors start to recognize their Union Reps in the hall and give them the secret nod of trust and acceptance.

– Professors start ‘brown bagging’ their lunches.

– Faculty no longer refers to their Chairs and Deans by their first names, but as “Management”.

– Management no longer refers to their Professors by their first names, but as “Faculty”.

– Professors start to open and read all the unchecked emails sent from the Union office.

– When students ask Professors about a potential strike, the responses all sound like ‘Sergeant Shultz’ in the TV show ‘Hogan’s Heroes’; “I know…nothing!”

– Professors foresee spending more time at home with their spouse/partner, so they are seen calling a divorce lawyer ‘just in case’.

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