Top 10 (or so) signs the semester is coming to an end.

  • The thought of handing in your final grades of the semester excites you more than the thought of having sex.
  • You now know the names of 3 students.
  • You keep talking about your plans for summer vacation…during your lecture.
  • You start getting emails from the student(s) who haven’t done anything all semester asking, “is there a make-up assignment I can do?”.
  • The college shredding service’s phone number is on your speed dial.
  • Late assignments are scattered on your office floor from the students who slid them under the door crack at 11pm the night before.
  • You’re spending all of your office time hours deleting your inbox.
  • The number one question your students ask you is “What’s on the exam?”
  • Your class attendance has suddenly increased by 50%.
  • Your voice mail is full of messages from parents asking, “Is he/she going to pass…can you call back ASAP to discuss?!”
  • You start to realize that you have a ‘spring in your step’ as you walk down the hall.

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10 (or so) cool reasons why professors should apply to work at a college on Mars.

-It would sound a lot better to say that you teach at a college located on Mars, rather than located on Uranus.

-You could have ‘Elon Musk’ in as a guest speaker; I mean, what else is he going to do with his spare time while living on Mars?

-You can commute to work on a Mars Rover.

-You would have extra-terrestrial students in your classes that would hand in amazing ‘out of this world’ projects.

-You could take a lot of time off with pay because of the dust storms.

-You now can wear that stupid looking mortar board hat for something useful: to protect your head from a flying asteroid.

-You will have smaller class sizes due to the limited space available on the spacecrafts arriving to the planet.

-You would be known as an ‘Interstellar Professor’.

-You can eat all the pizza in the cafeteria that you want; if you’re 200lbs on earth, you would only be 76lbs. on Mars!

-Due to less surface gravity on Mars than on Earth, you can literally hop around campus.

-Since a day on Mars is about 40 minutes longer than on earth, you can take longer breaks during class.

-You could change your name to ‘Professor Saturn’; it would have a nice ring to it.

 

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Top 10 (or so) ways to amuse yourself during the upcoming department meetings.

PB screen mishap

  • Open up your ‘Pokemon Go’ app and capture all of the Pokemon lurking in the room. Don’t be rude though, and excuse yourself as you walk in front of the screen.
  • Open up one of your many ‘Fart’ apps and bask in flatulent bliss as you scroll and launch an odourless assault of distasteful audio. Make sure to point to the person next to you if someone turns around to look.
  • Point your laser pointer in a haphazardly way on the presenters slides while he/she is talking and facing the audience. They will be totally oblivious to your shenanigans.
  • Before the meeting, sneak into the room and replace all the whiteboard markers with permanent markers. Wait for the expression of sheer panic on the presenter’s face when they realize what they just wrote isn’t coming off…hilarious.
  • Order a pizza at the beginning of the meeting to force a break when the meeting goes on too long. When it arrives, call out “Who ordered room service?” Make sure you tell the pizza place to bill the department when you place the order of extra large, fully dressed pizzas in quantities that could feed an army.
  • Totally derail the meeting by asking an unrelated question, “So who will win the U.S. election, Clinton or Trump?”
  • Look around the room and create your own Pokemon names for each faculty member in attendance. If you have time, draw them.
  • Take a glass and spoon to the meeting. Keep them out of sight and every time the presenter says “Um”, clink on the glass with the spoon.
  • Clap every time the presenter answers a question from the audience.
  • Every time a slide changes on the screen, kick the chair leg of the person sitting in front of you.
  • Take in a brand new box of multiple-coloured white board markers. Pull off the lids of each marker, then try to guess the colour of each marker by closing your eyes and sniffing them.
  • Make an funny looking origami of the person sitting beside you. Slowly push it in front of them while a serious subject is being discussed and then wait for their loud outburst of laughter. Watch them have to apologize to the group…once again, hilarious.
  • Perform 5 sets of calf raises by lifting your table with your knees.
  • Open up your palm to look at your life line to see if you are going to survive until the end of the meeting.

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Top 10 similarities between a colonoscopy and working at a college.

Colonoscopy for web FINAL

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re approaching your 2010 ‘Toyota’ in the parking lot, and you see that student who failed your class (twice), driving past you in a brand new ‘Porsche’.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you have to repeatedly tell students that, just because its their ‘end-of-semester anniversary’ coming up, it doesn’t mean they can be ‘sexting’ back and forth with their boyfriend/girlfriend during your lecture.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re marking exams and you accidentally knock over your fourth glass of red wine all over them.

It’s a pain in the ass when…you have to use a washroom in one of the older buildings that don’t have ‘2-ply’ toilet paper in the stalls or the  ‘5-step hand-washing instructions’ posted on the wall for you to follow.

It’s a pain in the ass when…the college’s ‘automated’ phone system doesn’t work properly and connects you to a professor or a department…in another country.

It’s a pain in the ass when… the elevator is ‘Out of Order’ and you are forced to take the stairs to get to your class on the second floor.

It’s a pain in the ass when… the ‘mystery professor’, who taught in the classroom before you, used ‘permanent’ white board marker instead of ‘dry erase’ marker on all of the boards.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re sitting with the College President and Dean on the graduation ceremony stage, and you all start to notice that your graduation gown stinks like ‘Old Spice’, bad body odor, and salt & vinegar potato chips; compliments of the professor who wore it during the previous ceremony.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you start yelling obscenities and dropping ‘F-bombs’ at the automated voice on the college phone system, only to realize that it’s actually that nice lady working in the Registration office that ‘pulled some strings’ to get your lazy-ass, no job, smartphone-addicted son to the top of a program’s waiting list.

It’s a pain in in the ass when… you’ve just handed out the last exam to your students, and are just about to sit down and relax for 2 hours with your coffee and newspaper, and suddenly notice that the print shop forgot to print the last page of the exam; the page with the question worth 40% of the final mark.

It’s a pain in the ass when…you go to the ‘Rate my Professor’ website and all the students comments are saying that you’re the one who’s a “pain in the ass”!

 

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Top 10 (or so) warning signs for College Administration staff that your job may be heading for obsolescence .

Rfc1394-Desk-Chair-Blue-with-wheels-300px-The new person you’re asked to train and mentor is named ‘R2D2’.

-The Dean mistakenly and prematurely says “Good morning Siri” as he/she walks past your office.

-Management tells you to quit whining about your ‘Carpel Tunnel Syndrome’ because starting next month, it will “have lots of time to heal.”

-Professors are no longer asking you to do those repetitive tasks for them because now they are being forced to do all of them.

-The college has named a ‘self-help’ kiosk after you.

-You notice management performing ‘dry-run’ exercises, escorting people out of the building who are yelling obscenities at them and at the security guard who is carrying a box of ‘pretend’ personal items.

-You open up your office door the next morning and all you see is cleaning supplies, mops, a pail, and a washroom cleaning schedule with your name on it.

-When you overheard the management team talking about you behind closed doors and you heard them referencing the word “offshoring”, you find out later that they weren’t talking about giving you an all expense paid vacation on a cruise ship.

-You notice the ‘office door name plate’ budget has been slashed to zero for all administration staff.

-When you enter the staff lounge for lunch, the HR staff suddenly stop talking and look down at their soup.

-Professors start handing things in on time because they feel sorry for you.

-The photocopier technician says to you, “Oh, I heard you weren’t here anymore?”

-Management asks you if you’ve ever thought about taking a  ‘Robot Technician’ course.

-Your work hours have been drastically reduced: 9am to 9:17am.

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18 things Professors can do if they win the lottery!

lottery-balls -When Management asks you why you weren’t at the department meeting, just say, “Because I didn’t feel like it.”

-Hire ‘Bruce Springsteen’ to perform union songs at the next union meeting. Offer him the leftover donuts from the last union meeting as additional payment for him to find a way to insert the name of your college into the lyrics.

-Pay the textbook publishers to put your name, including your picture, as a co-author for all their textbooks. Make sure they thank you in the ‘acknowledgements’ page, even though you did absolutely nothing as a contributor.

-Have a stretch limousine drop you off and pick you up every day at the front of the college. Make sure the driver parks in the College President’s parking spot all day, windows down, blaring the song “Money” by Pink Floyd.

-Boost your ego even further by inviting yourself as the ‘Surprise Guest Speaker’ to all of your classes.

-Hire a ‘Dry Erase Assistant’ (DEA) to write on and erase the whiteboard for you during your lectures.

-Keep your job so you can still collect your pension and use the money for ‘playing the slots’ at the casino.

-Read the ‘Financial Post’ and keep track of your investments during your office hours. Hang up a gold-plated ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your door.

-Tell your colleagues that with your new status, that you’ll no longer be socializing with them, but instead, will only be hanging around with the College President.

-Pay someone to mark all your exams, projects, and assignments and to provide a ‘Summary Page’ for your review just in case a student questions the mark they received.

-Give an all expense paid trip to ‘Cancun’ to the students that get the highest marks in your class, thereby solidifying you being the most popular, coolest professor in the entire college.

-Dominate the conversation during every lunch break in the staff lounge by bragging about your “awesome” weekend getaways to destinations that your colleagues can only dream about and will never be able to afford on their salary.

-Install a fully stocked bar and a mirror ball in the union office for celebrating grievance ‘wins’.

-Have your own exclusive table set up in the corner in the staff lounge. Invite only the coolest Profs in the college to join you for lunch. Be boisterous and loud so the other profs wish they were cool enough to be able to sit with you.

-When on strike, pay someone to hold up your picket sign as you get a foot massage in the lounger that you will have delivered to you while ‘protesting’ on the picket line.

-Have ‘Physical Resources’ install your own personal washroom stall in each washroom throughout the college. Insist that the cleaners fold the ends of the toilet paper roll into a small triangle. If they don’t, file a grievance.

-Set up a ‘Student Bursary Fund’ in your name with an amount far exceeding the monetary contribution of all the others. It will make all the other bursaries at the awards dinner look cheap and pathetic. Make sure to make an annoying ‘scoffing’ noise each time the other donation amounts are announced.

-Buy the college.

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Chalk Stick Cartoon ‘Graduation Day’!

 

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‘HIGHUR Education’ cartoon by Phil Jones: ‘Nada on Big Data’!

Final ver Nada on Big Data cartoon

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Top 10 (or so) reasons why Professors should sign up for yoga classes at the college.

yoga pose

– You won’t feel so bad wearing your ‘Lululemons’, because you’ll soon realize that you’re not the only ‘plus-size’ professor working at the college.

– It will force you to get some exercise, instead of sitting all day on your fat ‘Asana’ in your office, munching on potato chips and drinking ‘Diet Coke’.

– It will be a nice change to start spending time in a different kind of Detox Centre other than, as you call it, the classroom.

– While lecturing at the front of the classroom, you can impress your students by putting one leg behind your head when standing.

– When you see a student texting during a guest speaker’s talk, you can replace the traditional ‘Count to 10’ with yoga breathing exercises, the Pranayama, to help you refrain from going over and smashing their phone with a sledgehammer.

– You can lend your yoga mat to that student who falls asleep in your class.

– You can learn how to create a relaxed mood in the classroom by using incense, candles, and speaking in a way that your whole lecture sounds like a series of Tibetan chants.

– If you’re non-tenured, it will help with your depression.

– You can keep fooling yourself that you’re as youthful as your students.

– With your newly acquired skills, you will now have a better chance of getting a job as a full-time yoga instructor than a full-time college professor.

– It will help with your digestion after eating the food at the cafeteria.

– You’ll have a place to go for serenity after a student receives their failing grade and tells you to “go to hell!”

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‘Chalk Stick Cartoons’ Vol. 6 “The internet lost my project sir!”

 

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