‘HIGHUR Education’ cartoon by Phil Jones: Introducing the Characters

MOAppsQuickWordPressImage 1315855636 HIGHUR Education cartoon by Phil Jones: Introducing the Characters

FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more...]

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College Humour: Top 10 (or so) signs you’re becoming that ‘old professor’!

- You were once the ‘bad’ (cool), ‘hip’ professor; now you’re just the professor with the bad hip.

- You don’t give a sh*t anymore when you hear a student call you “Sir” or “Maam”.

- You’re ‘maxing out’ all of your annual physiotherapy and massage therapy benefits.

- You’re mortified when you hear a student listening to a new song that’s using a re-mix of your favorite classic rock song.

- You know the exact date when you’ll be eligible to retire with a full pension.

- Those little kids that used to play with your little kids are now sitting in your class.

- The highlight of your day is reading the newspaper during your office hours.

- You have to allow for an extra 10 minutes to get to your classes on time because of your slower walking pace.

- You have finally reached ‘expert’ level status in your field…just before retirement.

- You hate those afternoon classes because they conflict with your naptime.

- You have to cancel class because you forgot your reading glasses.

- You’re spending more time complaining in the union office than complaining in the classroom.

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College Humour: Top 10 reasons why it sucks to be non-tenured.

1. You have recurring nightmares of a sinister-looking ‘Bugs Bunny’ laughing at you while he dangles a ‘golden carrot’ that is never quite within reach. You always wake up in a cold sweat after he yells at you, “Ehh…What’s up Prof!”

2. You have to try to make the students like you, unlike the full-time faculty.

3. You are given that sh*tty office chair that a full-time faculty didn’t want anymore due to a missing bolt.

4. Full-time faculty get first dibs on all the good textbooks.

5. If you are home and sick with ‘the runs’, you still have to teach class or you don’t get paid.

6. You don’t get to stand on the picket line and wave at the cars passing by.

7. You get nasty glares from the full-time faculty if you take two pieces of pizza at the department meeting.

8. You’re constantly reminded of your non-tenured status every time you pick up your mail and see your hand-written name plate that was cut out from a piece of paper.

9. You’ll never get that ‘golden tan’ because you are teaching all summer.

10. You don’t receive the union newsletter, resulting in a loss of hours of reading enjoyment.

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Higher Education Cartoons: ‘Chalk Stick Cartoons’, Vol. 5

 

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College Humor: Campus Cheating- Top 10 (or so) ways to catch students.

-They start off the ‘Academic Misconduct’ meeting by saying to the ‘Cheating Review Committee’, “It’s not you…it’s me.”

-They actually know how to spell ‘plagiarism’, because they have been caught so many times doing it!

-Simply go around the room repeating the “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” lyric and there will be an 80% probability that the students who end up on the last “Mo” are cheating.

-They try to trick you by telling you that their ‘lazy eye’ is a common medical condition when in fact, they spent countless hours watching Youtube videos called ‘Be a Chameleon in the exam room…cheat and go undetected by learning to make your eyes look in two different directions at once!’ and ‘Funny party tricks using your eyes!’

-The student ‘scopes’ the classroom the day before the exam.

-When they enter the exam room, they take out a can of black spray paint, ski mask, and gloves from their backpack and spray the security camera(s) in the room.

-All of their paragraphs start with ‘Lorem Ipsum’.

-On closer inspection of the tattoo covering the back of their hand, you notice the words aren’t “sex, drugs, and rock and roll”, but instead, are the keywords used throughout your course.

-In the middle of the exam, shout out, “Hey YOU, I can see you cheating!” and see who looks up first with a panicked look on their face.

-They tell you the reason they have writing on their palms is because they just left a palm reading session with “Madam Jones, the world’s most amazingly accurate psychic!”

-They’re coughing the ‘Morse Code’ during the exam.

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College Humor: Top 10 (or so) signs that you’re spending way too much time at the college!

- You suddenly feel the urge to call the maintenance office to clean off that dead fly that has been stuck on your office window for the past year.

-You refer to the people who work in I.T. as your “friends”.

-At lunchtime, you ask for “the usual” and all the servers who work behind the counters at the cafeteria know exactly what you mean.

-You’ve memorized the slideshows on the big screen monitors placed around the college.

-A student asks you for directions how to get to a specific classroom and you draw for them a detailed map that would put ‘Google Maps’ to shame.

- The administrative staff who work in the different departments throughout the college know you on a first name basis.

- You file a 3-page complaint letter to the union that the bathrooms aren’t being cleaned to your standards. Included in this letter is a proposed cleaning schedule, hand washing instructions, and where to find the best deals on plungers.

- You have bought your own carpet, wallpaper, and mood lighting for your office. Even worse, there is the gentle scent of your own ‘signature blend’ of potpourri throughout the office.

- You never have a problem finding a parking space in the morning because you’re always the first to arrive.

- You’re actually excited that your ‘Frequent Shopper’ card at the college gift/book store is nearly full, making you eligible to get a 10% discount off that sweatshirt with the college logo emblazoned on it.

-You can’t wear the same outfit two days in a row.

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Top 10 (or so) reasons why it’s cool to be a college professor.

-You can look like a really cool action hero or evil villian when you wear a mortar board and gown.

-You can call yourself a ‘Professor’ and not a ‘Teacher’.

-By default, you are assumed to be somewhat intelligent.

-Free textbooks!

-You don’t ever have to worry if you’re making horrendous wardrobe choices because students are focussed on reading their text messages, not on what you’re wearing.

-If you get a good class time schedule, you can avoid rush hour traffic…both ways!

-You can tell Bill Gates that, contrary to his belief, ‘life is divided into semesters’!

-You can take your laser pointer home and spend hours of hilarious entertainment watching your stupid cat chase after the little red light.

-You get to eat in the staff lounge and use the real cutlery, not the sh*tty plastic stuff in the cafeteria that everyone else has to use.

-Young people will actually listen to you and do what you tell them…unlike your own kids.

-You will be ‘cool and trendy’ by knowing all of the latest trends in technology, slang vocabulary, and pop culture events. You can then use this knowledge at your next party to make your friends feel really old, stupid, and out-of-touch.

-June, July, and August!

 

 

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Top 10 ways to build your student/teacher relationships.

-Boost their self esteem by telling them that “C+ is the new A+”

-If they complain that the exams in their other classes are “too hard” and “unfair”, tell them that you “couldn’t agree more” and then quickly convert your essay style exam to an easy multiple choice format.

-Assign homework that involves watching ‘The Family Guy’, ‘Big Bang Theory’, and reruns of ‘Breaking Bad’.

-Have hot, fresh pizza delivered to your class and say to them “don’t worry about leaving a mess, I’ll clean it up after you leave!”

-Ask them if they’ve heard the new ‘Snoop Lion’ album and talk in great length about the reason for his name change.

-If a student isn’t contributing on a team project, let it go, and tell them you respect their need to be a ‘unique individual’.

-Drop the occasional ‘F-bomb’ during side conversations with them.

-At the grad ceremony, tell their parents (while the student is standing there) that their son/daughter was an “absolute pleasure to have in my class” and “he/she was one of my best students!”

-If they fail an exam, wipe a tear from your eye when you hand it back to them and muster up a solemn and heartfelt “I’m soooo very, very sorry.”

-If a student arrives late to class, apologize to them for starting without them, and that you will start over again so they don’t miss anything.

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Top 10 tips if Miley Cyrus is a student in your class.

-At the start of her first class, DO NOT have all of your students (yourself included) put on ‘Mouseketeer’ hats and start singing the ‘Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song’ to try to make her feel welcome (Miley wasn’t a Mouseketeer…that was Britney!).

-Remind her that grabbing her crotch, gyrating, ‘screw twerking’, and sticking out her tongue during her final presentation will result in a full grade reduction in her overall mark.

-If she talks about the ‘Bangerz’, just know that she is referring to her classmates.

-Don’t ever call her ‘Hannah Montana’ by mistake or you just might get kicked in the ‘Wrecking Balls’.

-Don’t show up at her concert, walk up on stage during her gyrating performance, and ask her for the assignment that was due yesterday.

-Don’t invite ‘Perez Hilton’ to the class as a ‘surprise’ guest speaker.

-In order for her to grasp the concept of ‘plagiarism’, you might try using an analogy as an example: “Well Miley, plagiarism is sort of like when a young pop singer sounds and acts like Madonna did in the 80’s!”

-Deny her request for the lights in the classroom to be dimmed and then have a high speed flashing strobe light shine on her.

-Make a photocopy of the colleges dress code policy to give to her.

- If she starts pouting and referring to the added stress of the increased course load as being “achy breaky”, don’t fall for it; it’s a well-rehearsed ploy to get an extension date on her assignments!

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Top 10 (or so) precautions to take if Justin Bieber registers for your class.

-Prior to writing your exam, inform Justin that the policy says that he will have to take off his baseball cap, so he should use extra gel that day to maintain his hairstyle’s texture and shape.

-Have 17 extra seats delivered to the class so his ‘posse’ can sit down.

-If you don’t allow for a bathroom break during class, then you may want to consider having a bucket nearby.

-Read his ‘contract rider’ to see if you will need to purchase ‘gold star’ stickers to put on his assignments.

-Have a translator nearby in case he ‘raps’ his answer when you ask him a question.

-Learn to spell his last name correctly… it’s ‘ie’, NOT ‘ei’!

-When taking attendance, make sure not to call out “Justin Drew Bieber!?”; just say “The Bieb!?”

-If you teach history, don’t ever mention the name ‘Anne Frank’ in his presence.

-When you look at him and see him making different facial expressions at you, don’t worry that he isn’t understanding the material; he’s just practising his different looks for an upcoming photo shoot.

-Make sure he passes the course or you will face the wrath of his ‘Beliebers’.

-Have a spare shirt available (preferably the brand ‘Billionaire Boy’s Club’) in case he shows up to class shirtless.

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Top 10 new terms every professor must know.

‘A Woodstock Wipeout’: Blanking out in mid-sentence during your lecture in front of the whole class.

‘Peripheral Fallout’: Realizing that you’ve been focused on lecturing only to the students sitting on one side of the class…for the last 15 minutes.

‘Time Machine re-entry’: Starting off a sentence with “I remember when I was in college…”

‘Chalk Outline Faux Pas’: Unknowingly wiping the front of your pants/dress with your hand after using chalk, leaving an outline of your handprint for all to see (trying to wipe it off in front of the class is actually worse, so don’t).

‘Bladder Brain’: A sudden brain distraction and loss of focus during the middle of your lecture due to a violent need to go to the bathroom.

‘Youtube Anxiety’: Saying or doing something in class that you hope doesn’t end up on Youtube.

‘Break leak’: Your “10 minute” class break turns into…well…22 minutes.

‘Professor Advisory Warning’: Catching yourself giving the same parental advice to your students that you give to your own kids.

‘Preacher Theft’: Shamelessly stealing body language tips from watching Sunday morning evangelists on TV.

‘Momentary Lapse of Fashion’: In the morning, making an inappropriate wardrobe decision thinking that you can recapture your youth and be like a student again. Unfortunately, instead, you look like you’re heading off to see an ‘80’s Hair Band’ concert.

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