FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more...]
FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more...]
- With his weight gain problems, scruffy beard, round spectacles, and poor fashion sense, he will fit right in with many of his fellow professors.
- Every day will seem like its Christmas because he’ll have tenure.
- He can hire his elves as his Teaching Assistants and continue to get them to do all his work for him.
- He can continue replying to emails only once a year.
- He won’t have a problem putting on a gown and mortarboard, because he’s already accustomed to wearing something that looks absolutely ridiculous.
- He can hand out lumps of coal to the students who fail his courses.
- He’ll now have an excuse to get away from his nagging wife, ‘Mrs. Claus’, who is constantly yelling at him, “Get off your fat ass and clean up that reindeer poop!”
- He can easily teach courses in Geography, Brand Marketing, and his favourite course, ‘How to Run a Successful Sweat Shop 101’.
- He can continue his tradition of working hard for only one day of the year. (I know, not true, lighten up!)
So, how do you arrive at a grade for a project or assignment that isn’t a cut and dry quantitative calculation? If you follow these 4 steps, it will speed up your grading process and give you overall consistency in how you arrive at a final grade.
Step One: ‘Set Standards’
Determine if you are going to base the marks on your level of experience or on your students level of experience. Remember, they don’t have your experience, know-how, and wisdom yet; that’s why they’re in your class.
Step Two: ‘Define’
Determine the ‘meaning’ of each letter grade (What you should be ‘thinking’ is in brackets):
A’s = Outstanding (“Great!”)
B’s = Consistently thorough (“Very good.”)
C’s = Satisfactory (“Good/Pretty good.”)
D’s = Minimal effort (“This is a desperate attempt!”)
F= below minimal expectations (“Really…you’ve got to be kidding?”)
Step Three: ‘Skim and Scan’
Scan all the assignments or projects, and based on your professional judgment, initially place them in 5 separate piles based on the letter grade categories above. I actually will print out individual 8.5” by 11” sheets of paper with each letter to create the piles where they will go. [Read more...]
- Create your own on-campus TV reality series called, ‘Professor Judy’. “The students are real. The exams are real. The marks are final. This is Professor Judy!”
- Try sucking up to ‘Times Higher Education’ by screen printing their logo on top of all your mortar boards for free.
- Don’t reveal the results of the quality of your student academic scoring levels under ANY circumstances.
- Offer ‘Free Beer for a Year’ to all incoming first year students.
- Take off all the videos on Youtube that are showing your professors smashing a student’s cellphone during class.
- Create a total re-branding strategy by hiring rock star Gene Simmons as college president who will then change the name of your college to something cool like ‘KISS-U’.
- Encourage faculty to submit research articles that they wrote after 1982.
- Mention the ‘3 click rule’ to your Webmaster.
- Lock your smartest professor in a basement lab at the college until he/she creates something that will win a Nobel Prize.
- Offer a free online course to the world’s billionaires. Immediately upon passing that course, showcase them in all of your marketing materials as being one of your ‘Alumni Billionaires’!
- Focus your curriculum on Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math (STEM) instead of Striptease, Tabouleh-making, Elvis sighting strategies, and Miley Cyrus ‘twerking’ skills.
- Increase your Google ranking and website hits by adding the word ‘sex’ to your college site url.
- You start sniffing the white board markers to arouse your consciousness.
- Your eyes well up with tears when you see the physical resources department throwing out the last overhead projector.
- You start writing on the whiteboard with a white piece of chalk…and you don’t even notice there is anything wrong.
- You’re no longer ‘in the loop’ knowing about the latest, juicy department gossip.
- If you’re teaching a class about an hour or so after eating lunch, your eyes start to look like a deer in the headlights as you stare at your computer screen, followed by an involuntary twitch.
- You don’t know any of your students by name…and you don’t give a sh*t.
- Every conversation you have with your fellow profs ends with “I don’t remember students ever being this awful!”
- Your office starts to smell like death.
- The only reason you give so many breaks during class is so that you can go to the bathroom.
- The only reason you start showing videos in class is because it allows you the opportunity to sit down for a few minutes.
- You have over 3,000 draft emails that you forgot to send.
Plagiarism. The word itself will never be copied because it’s too hard to spell…or was that the idea? –Professor Phil Jones
- Put an elastic band on your wrist and snap it every time you say the word “exam”.
- Have someone call your cellphone during class time, answer it, laugh out loud, and leave the room for 15 minutes. Upon your return, give the students a handout about unacceptable cell phone use in the classroom and sternly tell them “it won’t be tolerated.”
- Start teaching a totally different subject.
- As students start entering the class, sit in front of the projection screen watching any of the raunchy Miley Cyrus videos (male profs) or the Enrique Iglesias’ “Tonight I’m loving you’ video (female profs).
- Spend the first 20 minutes of the class chasing an imaginary fly around the room. As you frantically swing the fly swatter, curse and swear like a truck driver who’s just been cut off.
- Wear tight white pants and start dancing and singing the “Tight Pants” song as seen on the ‘Jimmy Fallon Show’.
- Put on the national anthem at the start of class, stand at attention at the front of the room, and start singing the words as loud and off-key as you can.
- Talk about yourself in the 3rd person…and then in the 4th person.
- Perform your whole lecture like a ventriloquist act using an Albert Einstein puppet.
- Have a change of clothes in your office and change into them on the break. Come back to class as if nothing is different.
- Start eating the chalk.
- You can fantasize that you’re a ‘Pokemon Professor’.
- You will be able to learn from all those students in your class who are over 100 years old.
- You can wear a skin-tight, all-in-one, spandex body suit to class. Students will refer to you as “the coolest and trendiest professor on campus!” (See ‘Zentai’ trend).
- You’ll boost your Japanese vocabulary skills by learning how to say more than just ‘Kon’nichiwa’ and ‘Sayōnara’.
- You could call up and invite Hiroyuki Hayashi, the lead singer of the rock band ‘Polysics’ and get him to give your students some free tips on how to liven up their presentations.
- If you’re hung over from drinking too much Sake the night before and don’t feel like teaching that day, you can relax at the back of the classroom and get ‘Pepper’, the Humanoid robot’ to teach class for you.
- Every morning, you can hit the ‘snooze alarm’ a couple of times and sleep in an extra 20 minutes, knowing that there is always a high speed train that can get you to the college in just a few minutes.
- After a long day of teaching, you can unwind at the karaoke bars with your fellow professors and belt out ‘Guns ‘n’ Roses’ songs such as ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ and ‘Paradise City’.
- You will be forced to improve your non-verbal communication skills.
- Students will bow to you.
- Scan a picture of Albert Einstein’s face in 3D to create a realistic-looking face mask. Wear it to the next class and say, “Your professor is sick today, so I’ll be covering the class…get out your pens and ink wells.”
- Create and print two gigantic 3D ears and place them on the sides of your head. Ask the students a question telling them to speak up when they answer.
- Create and print 3 extra fingers on each hand and see how long it takes for students to notice.
- 3D print several life size replicas of yourself and place them around the room during exam time. Students won’t know which one is the real you, thereby deterring any potential of cheating.
- Print out your classroom in 3D with the same room number and place it down the hall from your real classroom. Sit back and be entertained by all the confusion.
- During the previous week, tell the class there will be a famous guest speaker in the next class and they “won’t want to miss this class!”. Print out a life size 3D replica of Kim Kardashian and place it at the front of the classroom. Once everyone is excited and seated, tell them it’s not real, and proceed to give them all a surprise quiz.
- Create all your exams in 3D so that students have to wear those cheap, cardboard, red/blue 3D glasses in order to read it. Take a picture to show management how you are using leading-edge technology in the classroom.
- Print miniature 3D replicas of yourself for students to take home and place on their work desks for motivational purposes.
- Randomly, during the middle of a class, start to print out a 3D potter’s wheel, create a clay pot, and start singing ‘Unchained Melody’ by the Righteous Brothers.
- Become your students favourite prof by bringing in a 3D pizza printer and start handing out unlimited amounts of pizza for all of them.
Welcome to my blog!
Knowledge is wasted unless you share it with others, so after 20 years of teaching in a college environment, I’ve decided to create this blog.
When you need to take a break from marking and prepping and want to have a quick laugh, get some teaching tips, or just find higher ed resources, you've come to the right place.
Also, I'd really appreciate that you 'spread' the word to your colleagues to visit this site! As you can see from the flag counter, many already have, so thanks to all of you!
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