FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more...]
FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BIOS… [Read more...]
- A ‘signs of life’ detector.
- The agenda you revised 20 minutes before class.
- The ‘new and improved’ college policies and procedures.
- An ‘ice-breaker’ joke. “A professor walks into a bar…”
- The I.T. department phone number on speed dial.
- An ‘urban dictionary’ to translate student slang.
- Your best mum mum mum mah p-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face.
- A ‘Chrome Book’, ‘iPad’, ‘MacBook’, ‘PC’, ‘Smartphone’, ‘E-reader’, ‘PDA’…Coffee.
- The answers to the questions that you will definitely be asked: “Where’s the washrooms?”, “Is there an exam in this course?”, and “When’s the break?”.
- A key to get into the classroom.
- ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’ by Queen
- Anything by Justin Bieber!
- ‘My heart will go on’ by Celine Dion
- ‘I’ll make love to you’ by Boyz II Men
- ‘Baby got back (I like big butts)’ by Sir Mix-a-Lot
- ‘Hot for teacher’ by Van Halen
- ‘Like a Virgin’ by Madonna
- ‘Me So Horny’ by 2 Live Crew
- ‘I can’t get no satisfaction’ by the Rolling Stones
- ‘Mrs. Brown you have a lovely daughter’ by Herman’s Hermits.
- ‘Tonight I’m f#@!g you’ by Enrique Iglesias
- ‘Don’t stand so close to me’ by The Police
It’s that time again, so here are a few tips to make this ‘glorious’ event even more glorious…er.
(A+) Outstanding . You actually did as well, or even better than I would have when I was in college…no, really.
(A) Outstanding, but you should have turned the last page on the final exam and realized there was one more page of questions to answer.
(A-) Outstanding. Hopefully the party you went to the night before the final exam was worth not getting an ‘A’.
(B+) Consistently thorough. Therapy may be needed to find out why you’re afraid of achieving an ‘A’ grade.
(B) Consistently thorough. I see, you care about getting an ‘A’ in the course…but I guess not that much.
(B-) Consistently thorough. Coulda…Woulda…Shoulda?
(C+) Satisfactory. The only reason you have the ‘+’ added is because you attended all of your classes.
(C ) Satisfactory. You’re putting in just enough effort to coast along. I hope you’re inheriting a lot of money in the future.
(C-) Satisfactory. You’re having lots of fun at college aren’t you?
(D+) Minimal. Congratulations, you’re a leader among minimalists.
(D) Minimal. Ok, so keep doing what you were doing all through high school, which apparently wasn’t much, and we’ll see how that works out for you next semester.
(D-) Minimal. You’re only passing because I never want to have you in my class ever again.
(F) Fail. Oh, I get it…you don’t give a sh*t because your Mom and Dad are paying your tuition!
-“So, what can I bring to the grad party?!”
-“I’m on vacation at the cottage all summer, but feel free to call anytime if you need career advice.”
-“Sure, here’s my cell number…”
-“Even if you don’t get a job in the industry, I’m pretty sure all the courses you took will be useful somewhere.”
-“It was nice to meet your Mom/Dad at the grad ceremony…is he/she single?”
-“We’re changing all the textbooks, so unfortunately you won’t be able to sell them to next year’s students.”
-“Now that you’ve graduated, how about a dinner and movie sometime?”
-“Thanks for your comments on how to improve the courses; we’ll put them on file.”
-“You’re the last graduating group from the program…unfortunately it’s being ‘axed’ due to low demand in the marketplace.”
-“We’re desperately looking for instructors to teach in the program…do you want to teach a course?”
-“Try to be positive…marks aren’t everything.”
-“Whatever you do, don’t mention my name during your interviews and you should be fine.”
- You were once the ‘bad’ (cool), ‘hip’ professor; now you’re just the professor with the bad hip.
- You don’t give a sh*t anymore when you hear a student call you “Sir” or “Maam”.
- You’re ‘maxing out’ all of your annual physiotherapy and massage therapy benefits.
- You’re mortified when you hear a student listening to a new song that’s using a re-mix of your favorite classic rock song.
- You know the exact date when you’ll be eligible to retire with a full pension.
- Those little kids that used to play with your little kids are now sitting in your class.
- The highlight of your day is reading the newspaper during your office hours.
- You have to allow for an extra 10 minutes to get to your classes on time because of your slower walking pace.
- You have finally reached an ‘expert’ level status in your field…just before your retirement.
- You hate those afternoon classes because they conflict with your naptime.
- You have to cancel class because you forgot your reading glasses.
- You’re spending more time complaining in the union office than complaining in the classroom.
1. You have recurring nightmares of a sinister-looking ‘Bugs Bunny’ laughing at you while he dangles a ‘golden carrot’ that is never quite within reach. You always wake up in a cold sweat after he yells at you, “Ehh…What’s up Prof!”
2. You have to try to make the students like you, unlike the full-time faculty.
3. You are given that sh*tty office chair that a full-time faculty didn’t want anymore due to a missing bolt.
4. Full-time faculty get first dibs on all the good textbooks.
5. If you are home and sick with ‘the runs’, you still have to teach class or you don’t get paid.
6. You don’t get to stand on the picket line and wave at the cars passing by.
7. You get nasty glares from the full-time faculty if you take two pieces of pizza at the department meeting.
8. You’re constantly reminded of your non-tenured status every time you pick up your mail and see your hand-written name plate that was cut out from a piece of paper.
9. You’ll never get that ‘golden tan’ because you are teaching all summer.
10. You don’t receive the union newsletter, resulting in a loss of hours of reading enjoyment.
Welcome to my blog!
Knowledge is wasted unless you share it with others, so after 20 years of teaching in a college environment, I’ve decided to create this blog.
When you need to take a break from marking and prepping and want a quick laugh, get some teaching tips, or just find higher ed resources, you've come to the right place.
Also, I'd really appreciate that you 'spread' the word to your colleagues to visit this site! As you can see from the flag counter, many already have, so thanks to all of you!
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