Top 10 similarities between a colonoscopy and working at a college.

Colonoscopy for web FINAL

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re approaching your 2010 ‘Toyota’ in the parking lot, and you see that student who failed your class (twice), driving past you in a brand new ‘Porsche’.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you have to repeatedly tell students that, just because its their ‘end-of-semester anniversary’ coming up, it doesn’t mean they can be ‘sexting’ back and forth with their boyfriend/girlfriend during your lecture.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re marking exams and you accidentally knock over your fourth glass of red wine all over them.

It’s a pain in the ass when…you have to use a washroom in one of the older buildings that don’t have ‘2-ply’ toilet paper in the stalls or the  ‘5-step hand-washing instructions’ posted on the wall for you to follow.

It’s a pain in the ass when…the college’s ‘automated’ phone system doesn’t work properly and connects you to a professor or a department…in another country.

It’s a pain in the ass when… the elevator is ‘Out of Order’ and you are forced to take the stairs to get to your class on the second floor.

It’s a pain in the ass when… the ‘mystery professor’, who taught in the classroom before you, used ‘permanent’ white board marker instead of ‘dry erase’ marker on all of the boards.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you’re sitting with the College President and Dean on the graduation ceremony stage, and you all start to notice that your graduation gown stinks like ‘Old Spice’, bad body odor, and salt & vinegar potato chips; compliments of the professor who wore it during the previous ceremony.

It’s a pain in the ass when… you start yelling obscenities and dropping ‘F-bombs’ at the automated voice on the college phone system, only to realize that it’s actually that nice lady working in the Registration office that ‘pulled some strings’ to get your lazy-ass, no job, smartphone-addicted son to the top of a program’s waiting list.

It’s a pain in in the ass when… you’ve just handed out the last exam to your students, and are just about to sit down and relax for 2 hours with your coffee and newspaper, and suddenly notice that the print shop forgot to print the last page of the exam; the page with the question worth 40% of the final mark.

It’s a pain in the ass when…you go to the ‘Rate my Professor’ website and all the students comments are saying that you’re the one who’s a “pain in the ass”!

 

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Top 10 (or so) “I have to go to the washroom” exam strategies.

bathroom break It never fails; there’s always a student that raises their hand during an exam and says “I have to go to the washroom.” Your initial reaction may be “too bad, wait” but you can’t do that. So, here are some tips to ‘flush’ any student attempts for cheating on an exam.

 

  • Understand your college policy for such circumstances and send the policy to your students the day before the exam date.
  • Before the exam starts, tell students that now is the time to go to the washroom, not during the exam. It will give the impression that there is no option, even though you know that you can’t prevent them from going.
  • Write the time they left and the time they return on the front page of their exam.
  • Make note how many eraser marks there are and where they are on the existing answers that they have, up to the point when they went to the washroom. For example, if they have answered 25 out of 50 multiple choice questions with no eraser marks before they went to the washroom, make note of it. Upon final review of their final exam, if you see some of those 25 answers were changed after they used  the washroom, then I would be very suspicious. You can try this with short answer and True or False questions as well. Also, let the students know that you will be doing this if they have to leave to use the washroom during the exam.
  • Make sure they don’t have their cell phones on them when they leave. Don’t search them, you’re not a police officer.
  • If you are in a larger room and have the assistance of exam invigilators/supervisors, have one of them accompany the student and wait outside the washroom. You should have a male and female supervisor to cover your bases. The only thing that escorting them will do is to make sure they don’t talk to anyone to and from the washroom. By the way, don’t stand outside the stall; that’s ridiculous and unnecessary.
  • Lighten up, yet hint before they leave that you are aware that using the washroom during an exam has been used as a method for cheating, “you didn’t write all the answers on the toilet roll in the stall before the exam did you?”
  • Limit washroom visits to one student at a time.
  • Reiterate the consequences of academic dishonesty and the short term and long term implications.
  • Keep an eye on the length of your exam. If it’s a 3 hour exam, what do you think will happen?
  • Don’t say, “…and make it quick!” Really?

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Top 10 (or so) warning signs for College Administration staff that your job may be heading for obsolescence .

Rfc1394-Desk-Chair-Blue-with-wheels-300px-The new person you’re asked to train and mentor is named ‘R2D2’.

-The Dean mistakenly and prematurely says “Good morning Siri” as he/she walks past your office.

-Management tells you to quit whining about your ‘Carpel Tunnel Syndrome’ because starting next month, it will “have lots of time to heal.”

-Professors are no longer asking you to do those repetitive tasks for them because now they are being forced to do all of them.

-The college has named a ‘self-help’ kiosk after you.

-You notice management performing ‘dry-run’ exercises, escorting people out of the building who are yelling obscenities at them and at the security guard who is carrying a box of ‘pretend’ personal items.

-You open up your office door the next morning and all you see is cleaning supplies, mops, a pail, and a washroom cleaning schedule with your name on it.

-When you overheard the management team talking about you behind closed doors and you heard them referencing the word “offshoring”, you find out later that they weren’t talking about giving you an all expense paid vacation on a cruise ship.

-You notice the ‘office door name plate’ budget has been slashed to zero for all administration staff.

-When you enter the staff lounge for lunch, the HR staff suddenly stop talking and look down at their soup.

-Professors start handing things in on time because they feel sorry for you.

-The photocopier technician says to you, “Oh, I heard you weren’t here anymore?”

-Management asks you if you’ve ever thought about taking a  ‘Robot Technician’ course.

-Your work hours have been drastically reduced: 9am to 9:17am.

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18 things Professors can do if they win the lottery!

lottery-balls -When Management asks you why you weren’t at the department meeting, just say, “Because I didn’t feel like it.”

-Hire ‘Bruce Springsteen’ to perform union songs at the next union meeting. Offer him the leftover donuts from the last union meeting as additional payment for him to find a way to insert the name of your college into the lyrics.

-Pay the textbook publishers to put your name, including your picture, as a co-author for all their textbooks. Make sure they thank you in the ‘acknowledgements’ page, even though you did absolutely nothing as a contributor.

-Have a stretch limousine drop you off and pick you up every day at the front of the college. Make sure the driver parks in the College President’s parking spot all day, windows down, blaring the song “Money” by Pink Floyd.

-Boost your ego even further by inviting yourself as the ‘Surprise Guest Speaker’ to all of your classes.

-Hire a ‘Dry Erase Assistant’ (DEA) to write on and erase the whiteboard for you during your lectures.

-Keep your job so you can still collect your pension and use the money for ‘playing the slots’ at the casino.

-Read the ‘Financial Post’ and keep track of your investments during your office hours. Hang up a gold-plated ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your door.

-Tell your colleagues that with your new status, that you’ll no longer be socializing with them, but instead, will only be hanging around with the College President.

-Pay someone to mark all your exams, projects, and assignments and to provide a ‘Summary Page’ for your review just in case a student questions the mark they received.

-Give an all expense paid trip to ‘Cancun’ to the students that get the highest marks in your class, thereby solidifying you being the most popular, coolest professor in the entire college.

-Dominate the conversation during every lunch break in the staff lounge by bragging about your “awesome” weekend getaways to destinations that your colleagues can only dream about and will never be able to afford on their salary.

-Install a fully stocked bar and a mirror ball in the union office for celebrating grievance ‘wins’.

-Have your own exclusive table set up in the corner in the staff lounge. Invite only the coolest Profs in the college to join you for lunch. Be boisterous and loud so the other profs wish they were cool enough to be able to sit with you.

-When on strike, pay someone to hold up your picket sign as you get a foot massage in the lounger that you will have delivered to you while ‘protesting’ on the picket line.

-Have ‘Physical Resources’ install your own personal washroom stall in each washroom throughout the college. Insist that the cleaners fold the ends of the toilet paper roll into a small triangle. If they don’t, file a grievance.

-Set up a ‘Student Bursary Fund’ in your name with an amount far exceeding the monetary contribution of all the others. It will make all the other bursaries at the awards dinner look cheap and pathetic. Make sure to make an annoying ‘scoffing’ noise each time the other donation amounts are announced.

-Buy the college.

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Chalk Stick Cartoon ‘Graduation Day’!

 

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‘HIGHUR Education’ cartoon by Phil Jones: ‘Nada on Big Data’!

Final ver Nada on Big Data cartoon

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Top 10 (or so) reasons why Professors should sign up for yoga classes at the college.

yoga pose

– You won’t feel so bad wearing your ‘Lululemons’, because you’ll soon realize that you’re not the only ‘plus-size’ professor working at the college.

– It will force you to get some exercise, instead of sitting all day on your fat ‘Asana’ in your office, munching on potato chips and drinking ‘Diet Coke’.

– It will be a nice change to start spending time in a different kind of Detox Centre other than, as you call it, the classroom.

– While lecturing at the front of the classroom, you can impress your students by putting one leg behind your head when standing.

– When you see a student texting during a guest speaker’s talk, you can replace the traditional ‘Count to 10’ with yoga breathing exercises, the Pranayama, to help you refrain from going over and smashing their phone with a sledgehammer.

– You can lend your yoga mat to that student who falls asleep in your class.

– You can learn how to create a relaxed mood in the classroom by using incense, candles, and speaking in a way that your whole lecture sounds like a series of Tibetan chants.

– If you’re non-tenured, it will help with your depression.

– You can keep fooling yourself that you’re as youthful as your students.

– With your newly acquired skills, you will now have a better chance of getting a job as a full-time yoga instructor than a full-time college professor.

– It will help with your digestion after eating the food at the cafeteria.

– You’ll have a place to go for serenity after a student receives their failing grade and tells you to “go to hell!”

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Famous Quotes: Grading System

“Who was the ‘genius’ that thought up the grading system that’s currently used in schools? A-B-C-D…F…what happened to the letter E? I wonder how many students would be passing if there was a letter grade E?”  –Professor Phil Jones

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‘Chalk Stick Cartoons’ Vol. 6 “The internet lost my project sir!”

 

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Sun Tzu ‘The Art of War’: How to apply 5 simple lessons into your classroom.

The art of war cartoon for blog1. If the words of command are not clear and distinct, if orders are not thoroughly understood, then the general is to blame.

When you create a project or assignment, you need to make sure the instructions are clearly outlined. Either include a rubric, a sample, written instructions, or re-visit the assignment to recap in class.

 

2. If there is disturbance in the camp, the general’s authority is weak.

If you have a class that seems hard to control, then somewhere along the line your authority has become weak. Sometimes you need to put your foot down so students don’t mistake your kindness for weakness.

Tip: After about 20-25 minutes of lecturing, give students a 3-minute ‘brain break’. It will allow students to have a brief conversation with each other during this time, instead of when you’re doing the talking. After the 3 minutes is up, resume again until the longer ‘coffee break’ that should be given about 20-25 minutes after the 3 minute brain break. [Read more…]

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